The real Santa

As as adult, living in the real world, I've come to believe that if there really were a Santa Claus, if the man actually existed, in his daily life I'm absolutely certain he would be exactly like the Santa depicted in Rudolph. 😞

Nobel Prize in Imbecility

So I was wasting time arguing with a run-of-the-mill redneck Trump supporter on twitter a few days ago and I mentioned my position was supported by a number of Nobel Prize-winning economists and he actually said: "So what, Bob Dylan won one and do you think he knows anything about economics?"

Brilliant tweets

So here's me on Twitter — tell me if you do the same thing. So I do one of my stupid little tweets, which at the time I think is so brilliant/funny/discerning, right? Then I check back in an hour or so and someone has "liked" it! So what thought goes through my brain immediately? "Boy, I bet this person is really smart. Let's see if I can find their bio. I bet they have a degree from Harvard or something."

Dirty Deeds, Thunder Chief

So I was in the grocery store the other day and Springsteen's 10th Avenue Freeze-Out is playing in the background, and the check-out clerk says to me, "You know, I used to think he was saying: Tell the devil to freeze out." Then I said, "That's funny. When I was in high school some guys thought it was: Dirty Deeds, Thunder Chief!" Then the bagger guy (he was about 20) says, "Wait a second, are you saying it's NOT Thunder Chief???"

Make America Great Again - Like it was before Facebook

Boy, people are angry, and they want change. Remember the Occupy movement — and now it's the Trump thing, and I think I know why.

Social media pisses people off, and not because of the silly political arguments people get into. What is really making people angry? It's the Facebook Effect: everybody thinks that the other guy is having some sort of great life compared to them — and somebody or some thing is to blame. So the thinking becomes, "Well, maybe if we Make America Great Again maybe I'll be able to get a new truck and take the family to Hawaii like that asshole George Jenkinson did. I swear, I'm this close to unfriending that fucker. The only reason we're friends on FB anyway is because our daughters played soccer together that one season."

Animal cruelty

Oh, those poor orcas, all cooped up at SeaWorld with their own personal veterinarians. Do you know what these animals are like out there in the ocean? Do you know what they do? They are the sociopaths of the marine world. They literally play with their food -- they torture and then eat alive seals and sea lions. But it's all perfectly natural you say? Oh yeah? Tell it to these sea lions. Yep, solitary confinement is where all those damn orcas belong.

Water down the drain

If you're anything like me, you just hate wasting water. For example, it just drives me crazy that people let the water run when they're brushing their teeth. And how about those assholes who water their lawns like maniacs and half the water runs into the street? And how about when it rains? OMG that's the worst. Hundreds of thousands, hell, millions of gallons falling on concrete and running down drains everywhere. Makes me want to vomit.