A Hell of a Supply Chain

Who's in charge of torturing the souls in Hell? I mean, we know that God/Jesus orders the souls to go to Hell to commence torturing, but who's in charge of the actual torment? It's Satan right? The actual torture job is outsourced to Satan. So Satan is really one of God's vendors, maybe his only one. And I guarantee you this: God is Satan's number one customer. I bet Beelzebub's floating the Lord choice floor seats to Knicks games on a pretty regular basis, right down there by Spike Lee!

Dan 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he sent his only son to commit suicide by Roman soldiers, so that whoever believes in Him gets a legitimate shot at not having Him torture their ass in hell for all of eternity!"

(Na, better go with the original. It's a little sexier.)

Easter Wishes

When you're a little kid you really love and appreciate The Easter Bunny much more than the Risen Christ.

Then you grow up a little more and you "realize" that Jesus is MUCH more important than Easter baskets and so on and so forth.

Then you grow up even more and you think the Jesus, Zeus, The Easter Bunny, Medusa, The Tooth Fairy, etc. all play an equal part in this world.

And then you grow up even more and, in the end, you wish Dr. Kevorkian was your personal physician.

Johnnie Walker Blue

Are you a fan of Johnnie Walker Blue Label scotch? Congratulations! That means you're a big joke. A big, phony, pretentious, ignorant joke.

Why? Well, I'm sure you're going to tell me how smooth the stuff is. How great it tastes.

Bullshit. Listen, I'm a drinker, but any liquid that is 80 proof (40% ABV -- alcohol by volume) is going to taste pretty goddamned vile. Think about it -- you're basically drinking poison. So what you have with a spirit like Johnnie Walker Blue is a beverage that tastes better, or even significantly better, than vile.

Wow, you're really cool and smart for paying $225 per bottle so that you can have a drink that is 75% less revolting (or smooooooth as hell by comparison) than normal!

Mark Twain and naked people.

Mark Twain is given credit for saying: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

Well, I think that may be true but let's face it, naked people have a massive effect future generations and societies.

Those who camp, suck.

Are you the type of person who really enjoys nature? Do you like to go camping? Well then, I'm not really sure you have a good idea of what nature is actually all about.

You know about natural selection -- and you were taught about the food chain (animals eating animals) back when you were a kid. My question is, as a caring human being, why aren't you disgusted by it all?

For example, let's take this beautiful idea of the "circle of life" -- animals killing and eating other animals out in nature. (And this activity only happens about a zillion times a day on this planet by the way.) Countless animals, many of them sentient creatures with the ability to feel real fright and with nerve endings able to produce massive amounts of genuine pain, are hunted down, terrorized and eaten alive.

There you go, take a few moments now to mediate on the horrible, terrorizing, painful demise those furry little guys are experiencing.

So the next time your neighbor tells you he's taking the family camping to experience the glory of nature, just say, "Oh, yeah? Well have fun -- you twisted, demented fuck!!"

Cheers! It's a new start!

You've heard it before: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." And it's really just so true when you think about it. So don't feel bad about going out there and getting drunk as all heck today. Just consider it a big kick-off event/celebration!