Do NOT drink wine while cooking.

My friends, please learn from my mistake. Drinking wine, even a little bit, while preparing dinner for your kids on a Friday night is a very bad idea.

Case in point: last night while attempting to preheat the oven to 400 degrees for frozen pizza I accidently pushed the "0" button one extra time, making it 4000, and when I went to put it in the oven both the pizza and my right hand incinerated instantly.

Do you think you have free will? You do not.

Do you think you have free will? You do not.

Oh now don't start getting all indignant on me. Just settle down and let me ask you a question. If you had been alive back before the civil war, born a son or daughter to a wealthy slave owner in the South, would you have gone along with the program, or would you have said: "No! Slavery is wrong. You can stick your legacy where the sun don't shine Dad. I'm moving to the North!"

Please have the intellectual honesty to say you likely would have become a slave owner too.

And don't be all sad now. Just because you realize you have no free will doesn't mean you can't become more enlightened. In fact, you just did!

Natural Intelligence?

Wouldn't you agree that Nature as a whole is more intelligent than the collective human consciousness? Of course you would. So if there really is no God, why do we see praying mantises?

Umpire ego

I hate it when sarcastic umpires twirl their finger in the air like: "Whooppity-do for you A-hole, you just got a home run. You wanna cookie?!"

Life In Hell

I like to think about all the souls that are currently being tortured in hell. In the grand scheme of things, if you think about it, not too very long ago they didn't even exist.

Since the beginning of time those poor folks were in the world of "nonexistence" so to speak, and then one day God created them as a new baby human being, and in essentially a blip of time later, they lived their life and were dead. At that point God decided to put them in hell for eternity. Seemingly all in the blink of an eye they were created and then put into perpetual torture.

And they're like: "Hey nobody even asked me if I wanted to be created in the first place! What's up with that?"

Grace Under Green Light Pressure

Let me as you a question. I'm sure this has happened to you. You're at a stoplight waiting to take a left turn, waiting for that red arrow to turn green. There is one car ahead of you. The green arrow lights up and the guy in front of you doesn't move. He's looking down, looking at his radio dial or something. OK, now all of a sudden the pressure is on you, right? Do you immediately honk the horn as if to say that he's a jackass and you yourself would never be in his position? Or do you have patience, empathy?

Well, it's not that simple of course. You have a responsibility to the cars behind you to assert yourself and step up to the plate so to speak. Through no fault of your own you're caught in a highly stressful squeeze play.

How many seconds do you wait to hit the horn? Come on. Make up your mind! Are you weenie or a boor??

My new prayer for Lent.

I've invented a new prayer for Lent this year. It's kinda like the Hail Mary but instead of praying to Mary to ask her to pray to Jesus to save my soul it goes one step further. In mine I pray to another saint (Joe in this case) to pray to Mary to pray to Jesus for me. It's brilliant. I'm calling it Hail Mary 2: St. Joseph's Revenge.