Frank Talk Regarding the Toilet Plunger

The toilet plunger plays an integral role in my life, and probably yours too if you want to be honest about it. You say no? OK, let's put it this way, you pseudo-sophisticated asshole you: what would happen to the circumstances of your life were we to deny you the use of any and all toilet plungers going forward?

How to be an ignoramus.

I found a great way to get people to recoil with horrified, condescending disgust at me. You can try it too if you'd like. Next time you see a parent, minding his/her own business, walking along with their visibly Down syndrome-affected kid just walk up to them and say, "Hey, I got just three words for you: Amnio-Cen-Tesis!"

On Christians, Crickets and Politics

Do you like to listen to crickets? Would you like to experience their quiet, soothing, peaceful sounds? Try this.

Step 1) Find a right wing Christian and confront him with one of his own, shall we say, incongruent-with-Christianity political views.

Step 2) As him, with respect to this particular issue, WWJD?

Step 3) Listen.

Risk aversion in modern sports media playback.

Wanna know exactly how risk-averse any dude happens to be? Just find out how much extra time he typically adds when recording a live sporting event on his DVR. (Souce: New England Journal of Dan Green Bullshit)

Pondering the Atheist to Evangelical Christian cross-over.

Some people make me so mad with their holier-than-thou, piece-of-crap political, religious, and societal views that, even though I'm basically an atheist sometimes I wish I could convert to Evangelical Christian so that I could take comfort in the fact that while I'm going to heaven, those bastards are going to rot in Hell!

Q: Lack of integrity -- or just flexibility in my belief systems?

A:  The former. I have no spine, no principle, no character. Just look at a couple of Facebook posts I made today:

Post 1:

The amount of support the Lance Armstrong is getting from everywhere amazes and saddens me. What are we teaching our children? It's OK to cheat as long as you don't get caught? It's OK to steal, as long as it's a zero-sum game and most of the losses go to foreigners (French in this case). It's OK to lie as long as you make up for it via good deeds in other areas of your life?

Post 2 ( a couple hours later after receiving no "Likes" to the post above):

OK, I've reconsidered. You win, you amoral, bottom-line obsessed world you. The ends really do justify the means. And as Robbie (Adam Sandler) said the The Wedding Singer: "We're living in a material world and I am a material girl... or boy." :-(

Niccolò Armstrong-Machiavelli

Anybody who is still a fan of Lance Armstrong needs to get a tattoo of Niccolò Machiavelli on their you-know-what. (Wow, the family resemblance is remarkable!)