My latest get rich quick scheme.

Here is my latest get rich quick idea. I think it's a can't miss one. It requires a little work though:

Step 1) Learn Japanese. (Not easy I know but trust me, it will be worth it.)
Step 2) Become pen pals (email pals) with a Japanese person (must be in Japan though).
Step 3) Familiarize yourself with the immutable fact that in Japan, it's already tomorrow because of time zones / earth's rotation.
Step 4) Ask your Japanese friend to go online and check the results for today's races at Santa Anita. (Make sure he understands that for him it will be yesterday's results.)
Step 5) Get your butt to the track, place those bets and watch the money ROLL IN!!!

The next thought that you are going to have

The next thought you are going to have to the next sentence I write you have no control over. It will be reflexive and be a result of what I say here filtered through your current belief systems, right? So you didn't/couldn't  choose to have that thought -- but you acted on it obviously, and by "acted on it" I mean, in the subsequent instant, you reacted with another thought and/or action. And so on and so forth it goes all the way to the point of time in which you die. You are nothing but a machine (as am I).

When I see someone who has absolutely perfect teeth....

When I see someone who has absolutely PERFECT teeth, like for example a lot of the people we see on TV, I feel like they are, in essence, lying to me -- putting on a false front. Do they think I'm an idiot? I am not! I'd like to punch all those caps back into their tonsils. Disingenuous pieces of crap with healthy self-esteem and good oral hygiene -- that's what they are.

Pope must have penis.

I am speaking as a former Catholic and a father of four young daughters here. This whole "the-pope-retired-and-now-we're-going-to-get-a-new-pope" thing, as it's being played out in the media, is bizzaro to me. I mean, this the year 2013 for Christ's sake! And while the pope selection process is a "women-need-not-apply" one, the world seems to be talking about it like it's all cool, I guess,  because that's the way it's always been. Did I mention this is 2013? (WTF)

My odd birthmark.

I just discovered that I have what appears to be a tattoo of the number 999 on the back of my head (covered by hair). That's weird. Must be some sort of birthmark. I know I never got any tattoos there. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

You just might be a dumb-ass new age hippie if...

You just might be a dumb-ass new age hippie if... (installment #1)

a) you think you know more about nutrition and healthy dietary choices than your Stanford-educated M.D.
b) you want to do more "due diligence" on vaccinations before deciding if you should expose your child to such an unproven biotechnology.
c) you buy brown eggs thinking they are more natural and thus superior to white eggs.

Smelling great, for a buck 98.

I've got this great new thing I'm doing: buy knock-off Polo Black cologne at the 99¢ Store, mix it with isopropyl rubbing alcohol (also from the 99¢ Store). Hello inexpensive aftershave!