Self-aggrandizing‎, self-improving, hunger striking.

When a fat guy goes on a hunger strike I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking: Here's a dude who's opportunistically exploiting the situation to:

1) make himself appear principled/virtuous
2) force himself to finally improve his health

Flu shot

I took the kids to get a flu shot today. While we were there I got the idea that it might be kinda fun to have the nurse's job. I asked her if she likes being the one who gets to give out the shots all day. I explained that she gets to inflict pain on people, one after another -- take out some frustrations, try to get a bit even with society (or at least a small subsection) for all it's done. But she shook her head and said, "No, that's not what it's about."

History repeats itself on the phone.

Someday, God willing, I hope my children's children will be able to tell their kids the same thing I now tell mine: I remember back when I was a kid, whenever you called someone on the phone the call was crystal clear -- never broken up or dropped. Man, those were the days!

Fun at the boy band movie.

I took my 13 year old daughter to the One Direction: This Is Us movie today. Beforehand, I thought I'd have a little fun so I went up to the usher and asked him, "Say, do you know about how old these kids are -- I mean the guys in One Direction?"

He said, "Um, I don't know. Why?"

I said, "Well, ah, you know, ah, I'm not gay.... but I am a pedophile, so I'm just trying to determine to what extent I can expect to enjoy the movie."

And you agree with God, right?

You're an Evangelical Christian? Great!

Oh, say, my little brother Andy died a few years ago (Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma) and he was an atheist. He wasn't "saved" as you folks call it. And that means that God is torturing him in Hell right now, right? And you agree with God's decision to do that, right? I mean, you certainly can't disagree with God. So you, by extension then, think it's a good fair idea that He's torturing Andy in hell right now. He must deserve it, according to you and your loving-filled theology.

By the way, one more thing. I'm going to punch you in the nose right now as hard as I possibly can. Sound good?

The meaning of "Nope"

When I ask somebody a question and they respond with, "Nope," I get offended and pissed off.

Are you coming to the party?  "Nope."
Did you like my blog post?  "Nope"

So in other words when someone says: "Nope," what they are really saying is: "No, and by the way, just as an aside, you suck."

Tipping is stressful.

I just got back from Vegas. I hate going places like that. I find it very stressful -- it's all the tipping you have to do. For me it's all just another exercise in self-loathing. And by that I mean it's not possible, for me anyway, to tip the exact right amount. In fact, I usually end up getting angry with myself after each tip, and will find myself thinking essentially one of two things:

1) Jesus Dan, that's a small tip. You are a stingy, selfish person. You are SMALL.

-- or --

2) Why did you tip so much? You like wasting money? You know that over-tipping is a sign of low self-esteem! You are soooo afraid that this person will dislike you or think less of you? You're hopeless. You make me sick.