It's Ash Wednesday and I have ashes on my head

I couldn't make it to mass today but I did put a bunch of ashes on my head so that people who see me will think I'm a good, holy person. I think I put too much up there though. Plus, isn't it supposed to look like a cross? 😟  I mean, right now as I type this I was just looking in the mirror and I have a bunch of it basically just falling off the top of my head. The only good part is that it's definitely making my hairline look a lot better.

TDS: Trump derangement syndrome (in other languages, countries and times)

"Trump derangement syndrome" huh? Yeah, that's pretty clever. But let's face it, there's nothing new under the sun. I'm sure for example just last century around the world folks came up with something similar. I don't know how it would translate into Russian, or German, or Italian or Chinese or whatever -- but I'm sure it went something like this: "Jeez, Charlie. You've really got 'Mr. X' Derangement Syndrome bro! Sure, he's a bit of an asshole, and maybe a little hard-core or what have you, but maybe that's just what our country needs right now. Did you ever think about that? C'mon man!"

Fake Trump staff meeting on wall

Trump to team a while back: "You guys have to come up something I can say that will make people believe that I am in fact keeping my campaign promise of getting Mexico to pay for the wall. Now keep in mind that we really only have to appease my base, and as you know they're mostly very simple people (they really like the red hats) and it's not like they ever took a bunch of econ classes or anything. So basically just about almost anything I say should work, so don't spend too much time on it guys."

Razor blades in apples

OMG, I am and so stupid!! So before Halloween, and I admit that I was having a hard time, feeling angry and jaded about life (even more than normal), so anyway had this idea -- try to get even with society a little bit-- I was going to do that old apple/ razor blade prank. So I go out, get a bunch of apples and razor blades and carefully put them into the apples, and I give them out to all the treat-or-treater kids. Well, apparently I was the only guy in the neighborhood giving out apples, so the cops knew it was me, basically right away. I am in so much trouble now. :-(

Do the best you can, or something

They say that you should just do the best you can and then let things work out from there. But of course, it's impossible to actually do "the best you can" because you can always do better. So I've decided the best course of action is to just do the best I can to do the best I can. However that too can be difficult, and I'm feeling kind of down and not motivated today. So just for today, you guessed it, I've decided to do the best I can to do the best I can about doing the best I can. And what that amounts to, right now, at this very moment, specifically, is for me to do only the very highest priority crap and then take a nap.

The (possible) deadly consequences of eating at Red Robin

So we recently went to Red Robin to celebrate my daughter's birthday and the waitress comes up to us explaining that they don't automatically give out straws for drinks anymore because straws have been shown to eventually find their way into the ocean and kill marine life. Though she will happily provide them to us upon request she says.

So then I'm thinking, hey, wait a minute. You'll happily hand out these apparent instruments of sea turtle death -- and all we have to do is make the simple request -- no questions asked? Say, what kind of a fucked-up outfit are you running here anyway? 😉

Ask your kids to do chores?

I have a hard time telling (or even asking) my kids to do chores. In fact, I can't even do it. It ain't cool, I know. And I'm not bragging about it, believe me. In my mind the conversation would go something like this:

Me: Annie, will you please go outside and rake the leaves?

Kid: Hey, asshole, let me ask you a question: Did I ask you to bring me into this fucked up world? No, I didn't. Not even close. But now that I'm here you want to turn me into some sort of fucking child slave to do your bidding? That's how you roll, huh? Jesus, you disgust me.