Phonepluginology

How do you plug your phone in to charge? There's really only two ways, the right way and the wrong way.

Decent, thoughtful people familiarize themselves with their phone and know if the slightly wider part of the phone plug needs to be facing up or down when plugging it in. They inspect the plug each time, turn it over if needed, and insert.

Losers on the other hand, and please don't tell me you're one of them, simply grab the cord, attempt to shove the thing into their phone and only if/when it doesn't go in, they flip it. That's no way to live your life. If this really is you, I can tell you right now that you are never going to amount to anything.

My never-ending football season.

Football season is going to be over soon. It makes me so sad. Luckily I've developed an innovative way to make it last forever:

Step 1) Set DVR to record the game.
Step 2) Get extremely drunk.
Step 3) View game while continuing to drink heavily.
Step 4) Sleep it off.

The magic begins when you wake up because you will have no recollection of what happened. Now you can watch the exact same game again and enjoy it as if you were watching it live. In fact, you can continue to repeat the process with the same game again and again! For example, tonight I'm going to be watching Super Bowl XXXVI -- 2002, New England vs. St. Louis -- for the 1st/16th time! Rams are favored by 14. They're going to kill 'em. Greatest Show on Turf baby!!

Self-aggrandizing‎, self-improving, hunger striking.

When a fat guy goes on a hunger strike I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking: Here's a dude who's opportunistically exploiting the situation to:

1) make himself appear principled/virtuous
2) force himself to finally improve his health

Flu shot

I took the kids to get a flu shot today. While we were there I got the idea that it might be kinda fun to have the nurse's job. I asked her if she likes being the one who gets to give out the shots all day. I explained that she gets to inflict pain on people, one after another -- take out some frustrations, try to get a bit even with society (or at least a small subsection) for all it's done. But she shook her head and said, "No, that's not what it's about."

History repeats itself on the phone.

Someday, God willing, I hope my children's children will be able to tell their kids the same thing I now tell mine: I remember back when I was a kid, whenever you called someone on the phone the call was crystal clear -- never broken up or dropped. Man, those were the days!

Fun at the boy band movie.

I took my 13 year old daughter to the One Direction: This Is Us movie today. Beforehand, I thought I'd have a little fun so I went up to the usher and asked him, "Say, do you know about how old these kids are -- I mean the guys in One Direction?"

He said, "Um, I don't know. Why?"

I said, "Well, ah, you know, ah, I'm not gay.... but I am a pedophile, so I'm just trying to determine to what extent I can expect to enjoy the movie."

And you agree with God, right?

You're an Evangelical Christian? Great!

Oh, say, my little brother Andy died a few years ago (Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma) and he was an atheist. He wasn't "saved" as you folks call it. And that means that God is torturing him in Hell right now, right? And you agree with God's decision to do that, right? I mean, you certainly can't disagree with God. So you, by extension then, think it's a good fair idea that He's torturing Andy in hell right now. He must deserve it, according to you and your loving-filled theology.

By the way, one more thing. I'm going to punch you in the nose right now as hard as I possibly can. Sound good?