Physics lesson from Professor Dumbbell

(My guest blogger today is Professor Dumbbell from the local community college. --Dan)

It is of course a well known fact within the scientific community that if you were to sneeze, cough, pass gas, burp and hiccup at precisely the same time it would instantly cause a catastrophic event -- namely the explosion of your body. Well, technically you'd implode actually. But that's not even the worst of it. More on that later.

It is also true though that there are no documented cases of this ever happening despite the clear (and really undisputed) physical scientific theory behind it. Most scientists believe this is simply because it's really, really unlikely from a statistical perspective to have all of these natural bodily functions manifest themselves at exactly the same instant.

Now you might have read, and it's true, that scientists at CERN on the French/Swedish border are attempting to simulate this very event using a massive supercollider 300 feet below the surface of the earth. The much celebrated controversy that has arisen from the reckless actions of these show-off, French/Swede eggheads is based in the fact that most credible physicists believe that a successful artificial recreation of this bizarre multiple coincidence of human bodily actions/reactions quite likely will create a very real, miniature "black hole."

"So what," you say? Well, the cold harsh reality is that most in the mainstream scientific community agree that even a microscopic black hole resulting from such an event, whether emanating from you, your Uncle Frank, or the supercollider at CERN, would have the gravitational pull to devour the earth, solar system and indeed the entire galaxy in milliseconds. That's right. Scary huh?

I hope I didn't freak you all out with this info because, again, there's really not a very good chance of this happening. It's always a good idea to prepare, but try not to worry about it too much, OK?

SportsCenter

I used to watch ESPN a lot but I've scaled back. I have to say that I find that network to be quite disingenuous at times.

For example, have you ever noticed that the highlights they show on SportsCenter are almost always taken out of context?

Glory Days

I played football in college, small college football, but I certainly have fond memories of it. I was pretty good too -- 2nd team all conference my senior year.

Now I used to like to talk about those "Glory Days" as Bruce Springsteen called them, but a problem developed. You see, a number of years after getting married, I did what a lot of dudes do. I got fat. Still am.

Why is that a problem as it pertains to talking about my Glory Days you ask? Well, I played wide receiver -- and when I used to tell people about that, they'd look perplexed (as you know, wide receivers are thin). Then I'd have to humiliatingly tell them that yes, I gained significant weight since college.

But hey, then I found a quick fix to my problem! I would just tell folks that I played tight end. (A little bulkier position right?) And that worked for a few years, but the numbers on the scale kept going up.

At some point I was reduced to telling people that I played nose guard, but now I just say that I played defensive line. The whole defensive line.

Freedom

Freedom's just another word for no one left to schmooze.