You're not going to hell, but many others are.

I could never figure out how people could pray to a God that tortures tons of human beings after they die -- and just be cool with it. But then it came to me: If you're reading this right now, and you believe in God, say the Christian God, you're probably not going to bed tonight depressed and feeling gut-wrenching empathy for all the souls being tortured in hell. No!

And you're not really worried about your acquaintances who have had the chance to take John 3:16 seriously, but didn't, and are now destined for hell, right? Come on. Be honest. You're not. Wanna know why? Because you don't believe you're going to hell, right? And that's the bottom line, my friend.

All those other people who are just like you, with hopes, fears, sadness, tragedy, broken hearts, and pain in their lives -- they are just like you but for the fact that they chose the wrong God, or maybe no God. And after they finally do shuffle off this mortal coil, what do they get? Eternal damnation. Shit. But then again, who really cares? I mean, it's not going to happen to you! So just keep going blissfully on with your faith -- and have some fun. Hey, I think the Lakers are on tonight! 😊

Happy Easter! or: What If You're Wrong?

Happy Easter! And to all you smarty-pants out there who say, "Come on Dan, I don't believe in any of that religious bullshit," I have one question for you: What if you're wrong? You very well could end up rotting in hell.

For example, there are about two billion Muslims in the world. And a lot of them have very high IQs -- even higher than yours! What if you're wrong about Islam? Well, Allah is going to get you, my friend.

So think about it. Just to be smart, on your way home from church today, better thank Allah for all you have and ask him not to torture you for all your disbelief. It's only prudent.