Yours and Mine: our awesome, insightful tweets

"I simply don't understand why the twitter world doesn't ever appear to care about my tweets on current events. I mean, I put a lot of thought into them. I even try to make them clever or funny sometimes. I guess the idiots on Twitter are just too dumb! Fuck it!"*


*As thought by millions of twitter users, all over the world, every day.

The paradox of how to treat the enemy

What a world we live in! It's so funny to me that it's perfectly fine to shoot, kill, maim, drone bomb the enemy (along with innocent bystanders by the way -- collateral damage). The guys who do that on our behalf are American heroes, and we applaud them every chance we get! But by gosh, whatever you do, do not waterboard the enemy. That's immoral!

The vile prejudice of low cultural expectations*

This whole Michael Brown thing is so outrageous. Just because he steals a box of cigars at a convenience store, chokes the owner on his way out, walks down the street, attacks a cop in his car, does that mean he deserves to be shot? This is just how they roll in the hood (directly because of massive institutionalized racism by the way). This is part of their culture. It's not for you to judge my friend. Besides that, Michael Brown was somebody's son. Just what is it that you don't get about that?

*As told from the point of view of a dolt, obviously.

The dirty little truth about zoos and wildlife

The harsh and horrific realty is that animals that aren't lucky enough to live in zoos often get terrorized and then eaten alive. (And that's a lot of animals -- I mean A LOT of animals.) It's gut-wrenching to think about, isn't it? #NiceJobGod

The Catholic Church is tacitly OK with being gay

I happen to believe that that the Catholic Church gives tacit approval to homosexuality, well at least male homosexuality anyway. Proof? Check out (their version) of the 10 Commandments.

Specifically, look at #9:  You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.

I don't see anything in there about coveting your neighbor's husband, do you? No?? So have at it boys!

The pitfalls of simultaneous use of digital media

Social media's great. I love getting on there -- exchanging ideas, talking with friends.

Same goes for the modern day DVR -- love it. Like most of us, because I'm so busy, I'd say it must be at least half the ball games I watch I do so using the tape delay -- I'm usually anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours behind the live action.

The problem is, the two don't mix, do they? I mean, I'm sure it's happened to you. You're watching this great game (on delay) and without thinking you hop on Facebook and some asshole "friend" of yours has just posted, "Wow! Great victory for [INSERT TEAM NAME HERE]! We're going to the Super Bowl this year!"

Fuck! Now what am I going to do with my evening -- actually interact with my family?!

Viagra Lady

Day 1: Did you see the Viagra Lady on TV? I really like her.
Day 2: I think I might have an unhealthy obsession with the Viagra Lady.
Day 3: I know this might sound weird but I think the Viagra Lady is talking to me specifically in those ads.
Day 4: I'm in love with the Viagra Lady and she's in love with me too -- and we don't care what people think.
Day 5: Viagra Lady, why did you dis me in the ad last night? I will not be ignored!!
Day 6: Viagra Lady, my doctor says it's not really your fault, what I think you're doing to me.
Day 7: This new medicine is really making me sleepy.
Day 8: Viagra Lady, do you have a sister?

(Reprised from my Palm Pre Lady post from Aug 9, 2009.)

Bill Bixby and Yahweh

Question: What does Dr. David Banner as played by Bill Bixby on the TV show The Incredible Hulk have in common with the God of the Old Testament?

Answer: They both have the same catch-phrase: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

DINK Facebook Posts

I've noticed a phenomenon on Facebook that I don't think has a name yet, so I'll just call it: "DINK Facebook Posts." You may recall the acronym DINK stands for "dual income no kids," and boy, do these folks know how to live!  So go ahead and check out some DINK Facebook Posts and fully appreciate just how mundane and dragged-down your life really is. #parenting

Twin image

Do you have a friend who has a wife or daughter who's slightly overweight? Great! He's a funny joke you can play on him.

When you're out in public somewhere, say a bank or supermarket, send your friend a text that says; "OMG, there is a woman/girl here who could be your wife's/daughter's twin." Quickly follow up with another text saying: "Hey, I'll see if I can surreptitiously take a picture of her!" Final text: "Here you go bro. Spooky huh?" (You attach a pic of a very overweight female the same approximate age, with the same approximate hair color and length as the dude's wife/daughter.) He won't stop laughing!

Dyslexia Frustratia

It seems like you hear about a lot of people who say they have dyslexia. And I'm sure many people really do. But let's face it, and I'm sure you've thought the same thing, some of those folks who say they are dyslexic are not. They are just dumbasses trying to make an excuse for the fact that they can't write or spell, which just drags down the real dyslexic dudes who, when trying to explain their handicap have to be thinking, "I know this person doesn't believe me -- he just thinks I'm a dumbass who lies to try to explain his dumbassness. Fuck! This sucks!"

A Mormon, Noah's Ark and the "age of reason"

I was talking to a Mormon young man I happen to know the other day and I asked him about Noah's Ark. I was telling him I thought it was weird that God would get so angry at all of humanity that he would drown them all -- a very painful and horrifying death, especially for little kids.

He pointed out that while everyone was wicked in those days, the little kids who drowned didn't go to hell; a child has to reach the age of reason before they would able to tell right from wrong -- and that age was eight.

After reflecting on it a bit I was able to come back the next day and tell him a related joke I dreamed up:

Imagine there was a young kid -- a seven year-old -- back in the time of Noah right before the big flood. His birthday was coming up and he was, as you'd expect, super excited. Finally the big day arrives, his eighth birthday, and he looks out the window and sees that it's starting to rain (very hard).  The kids says, "Ah, crap! Just my luck! Raining on my birthday." Meanwhile, watching the whole thing up in heaven God chuckles and says, "Kid, you have no idea just how unlucky you really are. I was planning on doing this flood thing last week -- but I got busy."

I AM like God.

I've realized that I really am made in God's image -- in a lot of ways. For example, there are a number of really rotten things/circumstances in my life that I frankly could eliminate if I wanted to, but I usually let 'em fester, just for kicks. (Plus, it allows me to really enjoy that end-of the-day cocktail.)

Turning left on a red arrow.

When turning left at an intersection, how do you handle the green arrow -- turning yellow and then red? When you catch it at the very end, do you force yourself into the intersection as the arrow turns red?

If you answered 'yes' above, that you do in fact tend to run the light (because you don't want to wait through a whole other cycle), ask yourself how you feel when the shoe's on the other foot -- when you're on the other side of the street (going straight) waiting for a green light. You're waiting on the left turners from the opposite side (moving to your right), and then here comes the inevitable straggler, running the damn red arrow -- impeding YOU now.

Well, what's your reaction? Do you have empathy for that driver, knowing that you yourself have been in that situation, in fact many times in your life? Never mind, I already know your answer. You get pissed at the other driver. You know you do.  And that's because you are a self-righteous, self-centered, egocentric, hypocritical bastard.  And I, quite frankly, don't want anything to do you with.

The two reasons why I don't vote.

Why don't I vote? Two reasons my friend. Two very important reasons.

1) We all know, whether we took basic statistics and probability classes back in college or not, that your chances of getting in a car crash and dying on your way to the polls is like a hundred times greater than your chances of actually having your one vote affect the election outcome. And that is a risk I am simply not willing to take. I've got a wife and four kids for Christ's sake!

2) And this one's really the crux of it: I've noticed as I've grown and matured that some of my beliefs have tended to change over time. I'm sure the same has happened to you. Surely you can think of a belief that you had, say 10 or 15 years ago, that you no longer have -- something that you thought was true, but you now believe is not. So when it comes to voting I have this fear: What if I were to vote for a candidate who I thought was right and good, and then that person wins by just one vote. And then, what if at some point later on I get new, valid information that causes me to change my view on the person, 180 degrees.  In that case I'd be looking at a situation where I, Dan Green, was personally responsible for voting in a goddamned heel. And I would never be able to live with myself! Not gonna happen!

Phonepluginology

How do you plug your phone in to charge? There's really only two ways, the right way and the wrong way.

Decent, thoughtful people familiarize themselves with their phone and know if the slightly wider part of the phone plug needs to be facing up or down when plugging it in. They inspect the plug each time, turn it over if needed, and insert.

Losers on the other hand, and please don't tell me you're one of them, simply grab the cord, attempt to shove the thing into their phone and only if/when it doesn't go in, they flip it. That's no way to live your life. If this really is you, I can tell you right now that you are never going to amount to anything.