Razor blades in apples

OMG, I am and so stupid!! So before Halloween, and I admit that I was having a hard time, feeling angry and jaded about life (even more than normal), so anyway had this idea -- try to get even with society a little bit-- I was going to do that old apple/ razor blade prank. So I go out, get a bunch of apples and razor blades and carefully put them into the apples, and I give them out to all the treat-or-treater kids. Well, apparently I was the only guy in the neighborhood giving out apples, so the cops knew it was me, basically right away. I am in so much trouble now. :-(

Do the best you can, or something

They say that you should just do the best you can and then let things work out from there. But of course, it's impossible to actually do "the best you can" because you can always do better. So I've decided the best course of action is to just do the best I can to do the best I can. However that too can be difficult, and I'm feeling kind of down and not motivated today. So just for today, you guessed it, I've decided to do the best I can to do the best I can about doing the best I can. And what that amounts to, right now, at this very moment, specifically, is for me to do only the very highest priority crap and then take a nap.

The (possible) deadly consequences of eating at Red Robin

So we recently went to Red Robin to celebrate my daughter's birthday and the waitress comes up to us explaining that they don't automatically give out straws for drinks anymore because straws have been shown to eventually find their way into the ocean and kill marine life. Though she will happily provide them to us upon request she says.

So then I'm thinking, hey, wait a minute. You'll happily hand out these apparent instruments of sea turtle death -- and all we have to do is make the simple request -- no questions asked? Say, what kind of a fucked-up outfit are you running here anyway? 😉

Ask your kids to do chores?

I have a hard time telling (or even asking) my kids to do chores. In fact, I can't even do it. It ain't cool, I know. And I'm not bragging about it, believe me. In my mind the conversation would go something like this:

Me: Annie, will you please go outside and rake the leaves?

Kid: Hey, asshole, let me ask you a question: Did I ask you to bring me into this fucked up world? No, I didn't. Not even close. But now that I'm here you want to turn me into some sort of fucking child slave to do your bidding? That's how you roll, huh? Jesus, you disgust me.

The changing personalities of my dogs on a walk

So every day, at the start of the walk, the dogs are amped wolves. They're like: "OK, let's go Dan! I want to get out there and find something! Find something to fight. Find something to eat. Maybe kill something, have sex with something. Hell, I'll have sex with it, kill it, and then eat it! Let's go!!"

And then, near the end of the walk: "Please Dan, can we just go home already? I'm hot -- it must be like, 73 degrees out here. I gotta have water! I just want to go home -- and by the way, and I ain't gonna lie to you Dan, I've seen some things out here that have scared me today. 😞" 

Weenies who can't drink light beer

Are you one of these guys? You announce to the room something like, "I can't drink Coors Light (or Bud Light, Miller Lite or whatever.) It's piss water to me." Then you'll go on to brag about how you insist on drinking some microbrew that is dark and thick and full-bodied and full of flavor!

Wow, what a manly man you must be -- you can't even stand to drink a cold, carbonated beverage with just a little bit of alcohol and some very understated malt and hops flavor. Bad on your tummy, huh? Your poor little body rejects it? Well, a little advice then, and I don't care how much of a party mood you're in, you better not try Perrier, unless you want to spend all night kneeling before the porcelain throne! Pussy.