(Bad) Dream School

"Oh, my god, I can't believe it! I just found out that I got into my dream school: Brown! I'm sure I got in by the skin of my teeth but who cares?! I made it!!!"

"That's great. I'm sure that will work out well for you. It sounds then like you're going to be the dumbest fuck on campus. That will do wonders for your confidence as you prepare for the real world."

#Gladwell

Twitter dad

So I'm driving my 10th grader to school this week and I said to her something like, "So I've got this new guy on Twitter I think I'm going to start online bullying." And then she shoots me a dirty look and goes:"Oh my god dad. That's terrible." And then I'm like: "What? That's a big part of what Twitter is for -- you go on there and try to take some of your frustrations in life out on people. Besides, they deserve it." Then the rest of the ride she was acting like I'm some sort of defective person.

Facebook post to use the day after your birthday

Thank you to all my friends who wished me happy birthday here on Facebook yesterday. And more importantly, to all of you who didn't give me birthday wishes on my timeline I just want you to know that I know of course that Facebook gives you a notification of who is having birthdays each day. That means that you saw that I was having mine and specifically went out of your way to ignore it. You couldn't be bothered to take three seconds out of your day to write even as much as: "Happy b-day Dan." Thanks for the information though. Now I know what kind of a person you really are. Frankly, at this point, I wish our paths would have never crossed.

Oh, to be seen at a Black Lives Matter event!

Let's be honest. It's just so incredibly hip to be a non-black person attending a Black Lives Matter event. My advice, go early and often -- and you simply have to take a ton of pictures so you can share with your friends. And then, armed with anecdotes from your outing, you just know you are going to be the bee's knees at your next cocktail party up in Marin. And, if somehow you can actually get arrested for some sort of act of civil disobedience? Please! You'll be a legend!

I am a white man

I am a white man, and trust me, I know what that means. I had all the advantages. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. The only reason I've ever struggled financially in my whole life is because I'm a lazy, dumb piece-of-shit. I get it. Believe me, I get it. And by the way, I have absolutely no business commenting on race-related matters anywhere, at any time, including here. So let's face it, by now you can surely tell that because I did in fact write these thoughts down in a blog post it clearly confirms the reality that I am a big, piece-of-shit racist. Don't worry though, I am disgusted with myself. #pieceofshit

Spider love; Fetal scorn

Ever notice that a lot the same people who are apparently just fine and dandy with killing fetuses are also the the type of folks who find a bug in their house and carry it out in a cup? That's what I call comical, psychotic, misanthropic... (put your own adjective in there -- lot to choose from).

Fetal lives don't matter, but their bodies do come in handy

I noticed that Unitarian Universalist chief Peter Morales hasn't issued one of his moralizing statements regarding the #PlannedParenthood video because, I guess, while #BlackLivesMatter to UU folks, #FetalLivesDontMatter.

Hey that's cool. After all, research using fetuses has led to medical advances, including in Parkinson’s Disease and the development of a Polio vaccine. So I guess by that reasoning it's OK to gun down unarmed black youths in our streets as long as we can find a way to use the body parts to our benefit! Church anyone?

#‎BlackLivesMatter

I think we can all agree that ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ but the very real, yet certainly debatable importance of bi-racial lives is the next big, looming controversy our nation simply MUST find the courage to address! (But please don't even got me started on octoroons. I mean, let's face it, they're about as expendable as they come. Am I right?)

My subtitle for the Keeping Up with the Kardashians show

I like watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians but I think the show should have a subtitle which could be something like: Rich people solving problems by writing checks, but acting like they themselves were the ones who actually solved the problems -- and then basking in the resulting confidence and self-esteem that comes from being able to solve problems.

Leave demons alone for Christ's sake

Why are people always talking so badly about demons? I mean, if you happen to be a demon you have to be true to who you are, right? Therefore you act like a demon. What else could you do? You're a goddamned demon after all. For example, nobody runs around criticizing killer whales for terrorizing, ripping apart, eating alive cute little seals do they? Of course they don't!

So what do you think Bael -- do I get the job as your publicist?

Transport for clean clothes

I've got a question for you. In your house, how do you demarcate the laundry baskets that are to be used for clean clothes vs. the ones that are to be used for dirty clothes? We use round ones for dirty clothes and square or rectangular ones for clean clothes.

Wait, please don't tell me, I mean for the love of god please don't tell me you use the same ones for both clean and dirty! So you are putting clean clothes, fresh out of the dryer, into filth-ridden laundry baskets?? I hope you don't have children in that home! I ought to report you to the Department of Child Protective Services.

High school athlete

In your mind's eye, try to picture the kid I'm talking to in this anecdote. "You're kidding me. You're trying to tell me that YOU are actually on your high school's track team?? Oh, wait. I get it. Shot put and discus, huh?"

RIP? Rest in peace? Ha!

As many of you know, if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, I am an Evangelical Christian.  As such, I am often offended by what I see on twitter when folks post things like RIP (rest in peace) whenever someone dies who pretty clearly wasn't "saved" at the time of their death (for example: Catholics, Jews, atheists and so forth). Let's face it, RIP doesn't apply to those folks.

So I here today propose we use either BIH (burn in hell) or BBB (burn baby burn). Much more apt, much more honest. Are you with me?

Be more Christlike

Regardless of your religion, I think we could all agree that the world would be a lot better off if people tried to act more Christlike. As for me, I know that I'm trying to be more Christlike!

Here's an example, I've got this thing I'm doing now: when I meet and talk to people I tell them that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread -- the ruler of the universe -- and if they don't pray to me and tell me exactly what I want to hear, I'm seriously going to consider torturing them, non-stop, for the next billion, gazillion years!

Scooby-Doo episode

I watched the oddest episode of Scooby-Doo yesterday -- never seen that one before. As usual, the gang did a great job of solving the mystery and exposing the bad guy, but at the end, when they confronted him with all the facts, the fellow just lawyered-up and left the kids frustrated and bewildered.

Pepto emergency

Oh my god! I wonder if I should call the doctor?!? What happens if you have a stomach ache but you mistake calamine lotion for Pepto? I am going to die??? Well, probably not. I mean, I didn't ingest it yet, but still -- scary!!

So, no on the doctor thing then?

The Spin of the Union

State of the Union speeches are always the same. I don't like to watch them. Let's face it, regardless of who the president is, the whole thing is basically PR spin, namely for two things: the USA and himself. Same thing every time, every president. When he's spinning for the country the entire room claps. When he's spinning for himself half the room claps.