Hand lotion problem

Who among us has mastered the art of using hand lotion? I sure have not. I guess it's not so much an art, but more of a technique? Well, really just a timing issue I suppose. I can't explain it -- probably why it's such a problem for me.

Recent incident: My hands are dry. I put on the Jergens. I'm hungry -- grab a bag of Skittles. Hands too slippery -- can't open them. Grab a scissors. Cut them open. Problem solved!? Pour a bunch in my hand. Pop them in my mouth. Jergens-flavored Skittles! F*ck!!!!

"Traveling" and "Unreachable"

It always amazes me that in this day and age of amazing communications technologies people (including myself) still use the excuse that they are "traveling" this week or next -- so they're not going to be very reachable. Yah, right!

Next time some douchebag business contact tries to pull that one on you just say what I say: "What, you must be fixin' to strip down naked and go and live with the frog families in the South American Rain Forest M-Th next week? Cool, cool, I'll just wait till late Friday and hit you up with a text."

WTF Grandma!

Ha! My grandma's so stupid! I got her thinking that the "WTF" references in my emails mean: With Thankful Feelings.

WTF Grandma! You're a retard -- and I appreciate that!

Just kidding. I don't have any living grandmas anymore. That'd be awesome if I did though. I know I could think of other little tricks like this to make them seem out of touch -- and make me feel smart!

New business idea

Times are tough and I've decided that for the good of me and my family I'm going to compromise any values or sense of ethics I ever may have had by taking on a new enterprise that creates absolutely no value for anyone, yet does the job of enriching me, Dan Green. I've narrowed it down to four areas. Any additional suggestions are certainly welcomed.

1) I could fall back on the classic snake oil business model. My idea here is to sell a new brand of supplements that promote prostate health while simultaneously causing you to burn fat.

2) I could sell random, fake information and claim it has value. And I'm not going to reinvent the wheel on this one either -- I'm talking about football handicapping. For just $29.95 I am going to give you my Absolute Lock Winner Pick of the Week!

3) I could become a banker.

4) I could capitalize on the fear, guilt, misery and hope of people by opening a factory that makes cheap, plastic rosary beads and matching little crucifixes. (I'll just outsource the manufacturing of the string to some Chinese firm. Hell, come to think of it I'll just outsource the whole thing.)

I'm not proud of myself but hey, hello super high-end lawn furniture!