My never-ending football season.

Football season is going to be over soon. It makes me so sad. Luckily I've developed an innovative way to make it last forever:

Step 1) Set DVR to record the game.
Step 2) Get extremely drunk.
Step 3) View game while continuing to drink heavily.
Step 4) Sleep it off.

The magic begins when you wake up because you will have no recollection of what happened. Now you can watch the exact same game again and enjoy it as if you were watching it live. In fact, you can continue to repeat the process with the same game again and again! For example, tonight I'm going to be watching Super Bowl XXXVI -- 2002, New England vs. St. Louis -- for the 1st/16th time! Rams are favored by 14. They're going to kill 'em. Greatest Show on Turf baby!!

Self-aggrandizing‎, self-improving, hunger striking.

When a fat guy goes on a hunger strike I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking: Here's a dude who's opportunistically exploiting the situation to:

1) make himself appear principled/virtuous
2) force himself to finally improve his health

Flu shot

I took the kids to get a flu shot today. While we were there I got the idea that it might be kinda fun to have the nurse's job. I asked her if she likes being the one who gets to give out the shots all day. I explained that she gets to inflict pain on people, one after another -- take out some frustrations, try to get a bit even with society (or at least a small subsection) for all it's done. But she shook her head and said, "No, that's not what it's about."

History repeats itself on the phone.

Someday, God willing, I hope my children's children will be able to tell their kids the same thing I now tell mine: I remember back when I was a kid, whenever you called someone on the phone the call was crystal clear -- never broken up or dropped. Man, those were the days!

Fun at the boy band movie.

I took my 13 year old daughter to the One Direction: This Is Us movie today. Beforehand, I thought I'd have a little fun so I went up to the usher and asked him, "Say, do you know about how old these kids are -- I mean the guys in One Direction?"

He said, "Um, I don't know. Why?"

I said, "Well, ah, you know, ah, I'm not gay.... but I am a pedophile, so I'm just trying to determine to what extent I can expect to enjoy the movie."

And you agree with God, right?

You're an Evangelical Christian? Great!

Oh, say, my little brother Andy died a few years ago (Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma) and he was an atheist. He wasn't "saved" as you folks call it. And that means that God is torturing him in Hell right now, right? And you agree with God's decision to do that, right? I mean, you certainly can't disagree with God. So you, by extension then, think it's a good fair idea that He's torturing Andy in hell right now. He must deserve it, according to you and your loving-filled theology.

By the way, one more thing. I'm going to punch you in the nose right now as hard as I possibly can. Sound good?

The meaning of "Nope"

When I ask somebody a question and they respond with, "Nope," I get offended and pissed off.

Are you coming to the party?  "Nope."
Did you like my blog post?  "Nope"

So in other words when someone says: "Nope," what they are really saying is: "No, and by the way, just as an aside, you suck."

The outrageous Trayvon Martin verdict.

I am so upset about the Trayvon Martin verdict. I'm not exactly sure of all the facts in the case but apparently Zimmerman attacked Trayvon who then defended himself by throwing Skittles at Zimmerman. Outrageously, Zimmerman responded with gunfire, essentially making Swiss cheese out of the poor kid. I think he had an AK. I'm going to join all the protests today. This country is seriously broken!

Tipping is stressful.

I just got back from Vegas. I hate going places like that. I find it very stressful -- it's all the tipping you have to do. For me it's all just another exercise in self-loathing. And by that I mean it's not possible, for me anyway, to tip the exact right amount. In fact, I usually end up getting angry with myself after each tip, and will find myself thinking essentially one of two things:

1) Jesus Dan, that's a small tip. You are a stingy, selfish person. You are SMALL.

-- or --

2) Why did you tip so much? You like wasting money? You know that over-tipping is a sign of low self-esteem! You are soooo afraid that this person will dislike you or think less of you? You're hopeless. You make me sick.

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a....

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a philanthropist, because that would likely mean I'd be rich as fuck, and could afford to buy just about anything I wanted.

#idontunderstand

@TeamAthleteLife tweeted the following today:

Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian."
Media: "Keep it to yourself."
Jason Collins: "I'm gay."
Media: "You're an inspiration!"
#idontunderstand

Judging by the number of retweets it got I'd say a lot of other people "don't understand" either. So I thought I'd take a crack at explaining it.

When someone like Tebow says, "I'm a Christian," the implied theology is that, "I'm saved and going to heaven, and you are not. In fact you are going to hell (unless of course you convert to my religion, the one true religion)."

However when someone like Collins says, "I am gay," there is no implied theology, although I think it would be safe to draw an inference that he also may mean: "so I hope you won't condemn me or discriminate against me for it."

A dog's life.

Do you ever talk to your dog like it is a human? I know I do.

Here is an example from the other day -- me talking to our family dog Moxie:  I tell her I'm taking her for a walk, and of course then I get the usual jumping, squirming, frenzied anticipation that makes it always so hard to put the darn leash on. And then I become indignant and say, "So is this what it's all come to for you? Your life is just so empty and devoid of purpose that the thought of going for a simple walk is that exciting an event to you? You are living in an existential vacuum, and it's sucking the soul right out of you! Get a life for Christ's sake."

Popcorn and Vomit Storage Equipment

In your family do you have a popcorn bowl that doubles as a puke bucket during cold and flu season? Of course you do. We sure do! (But you already knew that.)

Why I am against gay marriage.

Here is why I am against gay marriage, and I'm pretty sure that many, if not most, conservative American men like myself share a similar thought process on this thing: If they were to outright legalize gay marriage nationally I'm frankly freightened that I would succumb to the inevitable temptation to "go gay" and leave my family. And that would be bad. Look, I don't know about you, but I'm trying to avoid bad things in my life -- and as a tax paying citizen I think the government should create laws that help me in that endeavor.

The pope's righteous stance against gay marriage.

The new pope is against gay marriage, which I think is righteous and consistent with the Church's teachings. Look, it's really all about fairness. I mean, if priests are not allowed to marry, why then should all the other, lay gay dudes get to have that option?

My sarcastic dog.

Me: "Jeez Moxie, do you really have to wolf your food down like that?"

Moxie: "Ah, as a matter of fact I do -- Captain Zoologist Boy."

My latest get rich quick scheme.

Here is my latest get rich quick idea. I think it's a can't miss one. It requires a little work though:

Step 1) Learn Japanese. (Not easy I know but trust me, it will be worth it.)
Step 2) Become pen pals (email pals) with a Japanese person (must be in Japan though).
Step 3) Familiarize yourself with the immutable fact that in Japan, it's already tomorrow because of time zones / earth's rotation.
Step 4) Ask your Japanese friend to go online and check the results for today's races at Santa Anita. (Make sure he understands that for him it will be yesterday's results.)
Step 5) Get your butt to the track, place those bets and watch the money ROLL IN!!!

The next thought that you are going to have

The next thought you are going to have to the next sentence I write you have no control over. It will be reflexive and be a result of what I say here filtered through your current belief systems, right? So you didn't/couldn't  choose to have that thought -- but you acted on it obviously, and by "acted on it" I mean, in the subsequent instant, you reacted with another thought and/or action. And so on and so forth it goes all the way to the point of time in which you die. You are nothing but a machine (as am I).

When I see someone who has absolutely perfect teeth....

When I see someone who has absolutely PERFECT teeth, like for example a lot of the people we see on TV, I feel like they are, in essence, lying to me -- putting on a false front. Do they think I'm an idiot? I am not! I'd like to punch all those caps back into their tonsils. Disingenuous pieces of crap with healthy self-esteem and good oral hygiene -- that's what they are.

Pope must have penis.

I am speaking as a former Catholic and a father of four young daughters here. This whole "the-pope-retired-and-now-we're-going-to-get-a-new-pope" thing, as it's being played out in the media, is bizzaro to me. I mean, this the year 2013 for Christ's sake! And while the pope selection process is a "women-need-not-apply" one, the world seems to be talking about it like it's all cool, I guess,  because that's the way it's always been. Did I mention this is 2013? (WTF)

My odd birthmark.

I just discovered that I have what appears to be a tattoo of the number 999 on the back of my head (covered by hair). That's weird. Must be some sort of birthmark. I know I never got any tattoos there. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

You just might be a dumb-ass new age hippie if...

You just might be a dumb-ass new age hippie if... (installment #1)

a) you think you know more about nutrition and healthy dietary choices than your Stanford-educated M.D.
b) you want to do more "due diligence" on vaccinations before deciding if you should expose your child to such an unproven biotechnology.
c) you buy brown eggs thinking they are more natural and thus superior to white eggs.