Popcorn and Vomit Storage Equipment

In your family do you have a popcorn bowl that doubles as a puke bucket during cold and flu season? Of course you do. We sure do! (But you already knew that.)

Why I am against gay marriage.

Here is why I am against gay marriage, and I'm pretty sure that many, if not most, conservative American men like myself share a similar thought process on this thing: If they were to outright legalize gay marriage nationally I'm frankly freightened that I would succumb to the inevitable temptation to "go gay" and leave my family. And that would be bad. Look, I don't know about you, but I'm trying to avoid bad things in my life -- and as a tax paying citizen I think the government should create laws that help me in that endeavor.

The pope's righteous stance against gay marriage.

The new pope is against gay marriage, which I think is righteous and consistent with the Church's teachings. Look, it's really all about fairness. I mean, if priests are not allowed to marry, why then should all the other, lay gay dudes get to have that option?

My sarcastic dog.

Me: "Jeez Moxie, do you really have to wolf your food down like that?"

Moxie: "Ah, as a matter of fact I do -- Captain Zoologist Boy."

My latest get rich quick scheme.

Here is my latest get rich quick idea. I think it's a can't miss one. It requires a little work though:

Step 1) Learn Japanese. (Not easy I know but trust me, it will be worth it.)
Step 2) Become pen pals (email pals) with a Japanese person (must be in Japan though).
Step 3) Familiarize yourself with the immutable fact that in Japan, it's already tomorrow because of time zones / earth's rotation.
Step 4) Ask your Japanese friend to go online and check the results for today's races at Santa Anita. (Make sure he understands that for him it will be yesterday's results.)
Step 5) Get your butt to the track, place those bets and watch the money ROLL IN!!!

The next thought that you are going to have

The next thought you are going to have to the next sentence I write you have no control over. It will be reflexive and be a result of what I say here filtered through your current belief systems, right? So you didn't/couldn't  choose to have that thought -- but you acted on it obviously, and by "acted on it" I mean, in the subsequent instant, you reacted with another thought and/or action. And so on and so forth it goes all the way to the point of time in which you die. You are nothing but a machine (as am I).

When I see someone who has absolutely perfect teeth....

When I see someone who has absolutely PERFECT teeth, like for example a lot of the people we see on TV, I feel like they are, in essence, lying to me -- putting on a false front. Do they think I'm an idiot? I am not! I'd like to punch all those caps back into their tonsils. Disingenuous pieces of crap with healthy self-esteem and good oral hygiene -- that's what they are.

Pope must have penis.

I am speaking as a former Catholic and a father of four young daughters here. This whole "the-pope-retired-and-now-we're-going-to-get-a-new-pope" thing, as it's being played out in the media, is bizzaro to me. I mean, this the year 2013 for Christ's sake! And while the pope selection process is a "women-need-not-apply" one, the world seems to be talking about it like it's all cool, I guess,  because that's the way it's always been. Did I mention this is 2013? (WTF)