Do you remember when you were a kid and you took your Etch-a-Sketch and scraped away all the grey powdery stuff, thus exposing the mechanical arms and scraper thing? I'm sure you were thinking at that moment that someday years from "hence" you'd talk about that particular feat ("with a sigh") and say something like: "Even back then I always had a need to find out how things worked. I had an innate desire to get to the bottom of things."
"And that," I guess you'd like us to believe, "has made all the difference." (Or some such nonsense.)
Truth time my friend. Here's what really happened. Gilligan's Island was over. You'd already had your after school snack and you were bored out of your mind, sitting around waiting for dinner. You pick up the Etch-a-Sketch and it just happened -- just like it did to all the rest of us.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
8 1/2 ways NOT to use Twitter
1) As a way to keep your Mom informed about the reality of your life.
2) As a way to "personally brand" yourself as a non-narcissist.
3) As an aphrodisiac.
4-8) As shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse, repeat.
8.5) As an excuse to get half drunk when they don't follow you back.
2) As a way to "personally brand" yourself as a non-narcissist.
3) As an aphrodisiac.
4-8) As shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse, repeat.
8.5) As an excuse to get half drunk when they don't follow you back.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Smoking lane
It's really amazing how the slightest combination of factors can give a major synergistic insight into the nature or essence of something.
Say you're driving down the street and you happen to see a man riding a bicycle. Alone, the fact that he rides a bike doesn't tell you much about that person. For example, it really gives you no idea about whether he earns a high income or a low income.
Same goes if you see a man smoking a cigarette. He may have a very high or very low income. You just can't tell.
However, you see a dude riding a bike and smoking a cigarette both at the same time? Come on, you get the point. He's probably not on his way to meet with his accountant about devising strategies for circumventing new Obama tax hikes.
Say you're driving down the street and you happen to see a man riding a bicycle. Alone, the fact that he rides a bike doesn't tell you much about that person. For example, it really gives you no idea about whether he earns a high income or a low income.
Same goes if you see a man smoking a cigarette. He may have a very high or very low income. You just can't tell.
However, you see a dude riding a bike and smoking a cigarette both at the same time? Come on, you get the point. He's probably not on his way to meet with his accountant about devising strategies for circumventing new Obama tax hikes.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Jesus, Darwin and the Tooth Fairy
I'm not a religious person at all but like many of us, I've been entertained by back-and-forth that's gone on over the years between the Jesus fish people and the Darwin footed-fish-thingy folks, the battlefield being the backs of their cars.
The coup de gras as far as I'm concerned is when the very large fish with the word TRUTH tattooed to its belly was seen eating the little Darwin animal. That hurt, and the Darwin people never recovered.
Frankly I was happy to see it. I guess that's because I've always felt a little disturbed by the person who would go through the trouble to put that silly little Darwin thing on his car in the first place. I mean, I can see why the Jesus people do it -- that's their faith. But what are the Darwin dudes trying to say about themselves? That they're really smart? That they've got it figured out?
I've always just wanted to go up to one of these people and say, "Do you want a cookie? You're a big boy now, you deserve a cookie! You figured that out all by yourself, that evolution is actually real, and you want us all to know that you indeed do know that. Wow, you are really an open-minded man of science! Say, I have some bumper stickers here that I am going to give to you as a gift so that you can feel even more enlightened, and everyone will know the depth of your awareness:"
The coup de gras as far as I'm concerned is when the very large fish with the word TRUTH tattooed to its belly was seen eating the little Darwin animal. That hurt, and the Darwin people never recovered.
Frankly I was happy to see it. I guess that's because I've always felt a little disturbed by the person who would go through the trouble to put that silly little Darwin thing on his car in the first place. I mean, I can see why the Jesus people do it -- that's their faith. But what are the Darwin dudes trying to say about themselves? That they're really smart? That they've got it figured out?
I've always just wanted to go up to one of these people and say, "Do you want a cookie? You're a big boy now, you deserve a cookie! You figured that out all by yourself, that evolution is actually real, and you want us all to know that you indeed do know that. Wow, you are really an open-minded man of science! Say, I have some bumper stickers here that I am going to give to you as a gift so that you can feel even more enlightened, and everyone will know the depth of your awareness:"
- Professional wrestling is FAKE!!
- Santa Clause is a HOAX!!
- The Tooth Fairy is actually a highly simplified parent-to-child PONZI SCHEME!!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Remote lack of control
OK, I've had it. I just can't take it anymore. Are you going to be with me on this? I'm going to try to put together a class action law suit against the manufactures of the DVR remote.
It happens all the time. I'm sitting there trying to watch the game, or a classic episode of Designing Women, or whatever, and a disturbance happens on the other side of the house. I push pause on the remote, go to investigate, and take care of the problem. It takes several minutes. I come back to resume viewing. Push play. Everything's fine.
Then up comes a kid and grabs the remote, or even just bumps the remote, or causes me to simply fumble the remote. That's it. A button's been inadvertently depressed and the channel's been changed. Recorded content is gone forever. My blood pressure spikes.
And you've just got to know those greedy remote execs are colluding with the networks and advertisers to allow this to happen. When the TV's back on real time ain't no one going to be fast forwarding through their ads!
Email me bro. This is going to take a major grassroots effort.
It happens all the time. I'm sitting there trying to watch the game, or a classic episode of Designing Women, or whatever, and a disturbance happens on the other side of the house. I push pause on the remote, go to investigate, and take care of the problem. It takes several minutes. I come back to resume viewing. Push play. Everything's fine.
Then up comes a kid and grabs the remote, or even just bumps the remote, or causes me to simply fumble the remote. That's it. A button's been inadvertently depressed and the channel's been changed. Recorded content is gone forever. My blood pressure spikes.
And you've just got to know those greedy remote execs are colluding with the networks and advertisers to allow this to happen. When the TV's back on real time ain't no one going to be fast forwarding through their ads!
Email me bro. This is going to take a major grassroots effort.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tempest reversal
Dear NY Times,
Your decision NOT to publish my carefully thought out letter to the editor is clearly a reverse-tempest-in-a-teapot tactic on your part. I will give you credit though -- well played. It's obvious you know that my point of view on this particular controversial subject is explosive, yet right on the mark and massively persuasive. By not printing my letter you've shrewdly minimized my stance and influence. You are a worthy adversary, but I'm on to you.
Regards,
Dan Green
Your decision NOT to publish my carefully thought out letter to the editor is clearly a reverse-tempest-in-a-teapot tactic on your part. I will give you credit though -- well played. It's obvious you know that my point of view on this particular controversial subject is explosive, yet right on the mark and massively persuasive. By not printing my letter you've shrewdly minimized my stance and influence. You are a worthy adversary, but I'm on to you.
Regards,
Dan Green
Monday, May 4, 2009
Dear Barney, you're fired.
Dear Barney,
You are one arrogant Dinosaur. You think you're all that and a slice of zucchini to boot? Wrong!
You haven't taught my kids jack squat. Oh, I see, you think that's my job as a parent? Well what am I paying the cable company for then? It's not even football season right now.
Let me tell you something. Here's how my four year old daughter "washes" her hands: She turns on the water faucet. She pumps a ball of foam soap onto her right hand. She then puts that hand directly into the water stream palm side up (at a 45 degree angle) and all the soap goes instantly down the drain. Soap's all gone before the other hand even gets in there! Near as I can figure out she appears to believe the ultimate objective of hand washing is to move the soap from the pump to the drain as quickly and efficiently as possible.
I will admit I have seen your (rather weak) episode on tooth brushing, but to my knowledge you've never even once addressed the mechanics of hand washing. We've decided to move all of our business to the Backyardigans.
Sincerely,
Dan Green
You are one arrogant Dinosaur. You think you're all that and a slice of zucchini to boot? Wrong!
You haven't taught my kids jack squat. Oh, I see, you think that's my job as a parent? Well what am I paying the cable company for then? It's not even football season right now.
Let me tell you something. Here's how my four year old daughter "washes" her hands: She turns on the water faucet. She pumps a ball of foam soap onto her right hand. She then puts that hand directly into the water stream palm side up (at a 45 degree angle) and all the soap goes instantly down the drain. Soap's all gone before the other hand even gets in there! Near as I can figure out she appears to believe the ultimate objective of hand washing is to move the soap from the pump to the drain as quickly and efficiently as possible.
I will admit I have seen your (rather weak) episode on tooth brushing, but to my knowledge you've never even once addressed the mechanics of hand washing. We've decided to move all of our business to the Backyardigans.
Sincerely,
Dan Green
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Zombie-ize your kids for greater productivity!
If you're like me you often find yourself working from home when there are young kids around. Now of course "kids" and "getting work done" don't go too well together, but I've developed a solution.
The trick? You need to "zombie-ize" your kids. And yes, that's right, the TV is your tool. Of course I'm not talking about turning them into Dawn of the Dead type zombies who try to eat you. I'm talking about creating the good kind of zombie, the incredibly passive one.
Using the television, your objective is to get them into a state in which they're blankly staring at the (preferably) Hi-Def, large flat-screen. For maximum effectiveness you'll want to bring them down to a level where the only reason you'll even know they're still alive is that their eyes will be open, blinking only occasionally, and their chests will move slowly in and out.
Look, it's true that good parents like you and me have actually been using this tactic for years, but until now, we've all mostly had to hide it in shame -- and you know what I'm talking about because like me, you're sure to have a few sissy-shoe, Berkeley educated-type friends who will say to you things like, "Oh, that's terrible. You should get those girls outside to exercise and play, or just encourage them to read for goodness sake!"
Here's you handle it. You explain that you're simply teaching your kids how to move their mind and body into an enhanced, meditative state. Just tell them it's a state of "oneness" or "timelessness" or some such gobilygook. They'll eat that right up, trust me. Say the children have moved into a heightened state of awareness in which they process all incoming information at the deepest level. By viewing these seemingly cheesy Nick Jr. episodes they are subconsciously leaning concepts like irony, context, metaphor, sarcasm, and understatement. Importantly they're also gaining a subconscious appreciation for computer animation -- and indeed technology in general.
And basically that's it. Congratulations! You've just entered Productivityville -- Population: 1.
The trick? You need to "zombie-ize" your kids. And yes, that's right, the TV is your tool. Of course I'm not talking about turning them into Dawn of the Dead type zombies who try to eat you. I'm talking about creating the good kind of zombie, the incredibly passive one.
Using the television, your objective is to get them into a state in which they're blankly staring at the (preferably) Hi-Def, large flat-screen. For maximum effectiveness you'll want to bring them down to a level where the only reason you'll even know they're still alive is that their eyes will be open, blinking only occasionally, and their chests will move slowly in and out.
Look, it's true that good parents like you and me have actually been using this tactic for years, but until now, we've all mostly had to hide it in shame -- and you know what I'm talking about because like me, you're sure to have a few sissy-shoe, Berkeley educated-type friends who will say to you things like, "Oh, that's terrible. You should get those girls outside to exercise and play, or just encourage them to read for goodness sake!"
Here's you handle it. You explain that you're simply teaching your kids how to move their mind and body into an enhanced, meditative state. Just tell them it's a state of "oneness" or "timelessness" or some such gobilygook. They'll eat that right up, trust me. Say the children have moved into a heightened state of awareness in which they process all incoming information at the deepest level. By viewing these seemingly cheesy Nick Jr. episodes they are subconsciously leaning concepts like irony, context, metaphor, sarcasm, and understatement. Importantly they're also gaining a subconscious appreciation for computer animation -- and indeed technology in general.
And basically that's it. Congratulations! You've just entered Productivityville -- Population: 1.
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