If you're like me you often find yourself working from home when there are young kids around. Now of course "kids" and "getting work done" don't go too well together, but I've developed a solution.
The trick? You need to "zombie-ize" your kids. And yes, that's right, the TV is your tool. Of course I'm not talking about turning them into Dawn of the Dead type zombies who try to eat you. I'm talking about creating the good kind of zombie, the incredibly passive one.
Using the television, your objective is to get them into a state in which they're blankly staring at the (preferably) Hi-Def, large flat-screen. For maximum effectiveness you'll want to bring them down to a level where the only reason you'll even know they're still alive is that their eyes will be open, blinking only occasionally, and their chests will move slowly in and out.
Look, it's true that good parents like you and me have actually been using this tactic for years, but until now, we've all mostly had to hide it in shame -- and you know what I'm talking about because like me, you're sure to have a few sissy-shoe, Berkeley educated-type friends who will say to you things like, "Oh, that's terrible. You should get those girls outside to exercise and play, or just encourage them to read for goodness sake!"
Here's you handle it. You explain that you're simply teaching your kids how to move their mind and body into an enhanced, meditative state. Just tell them it's a state of "oneness" or "timelessness" or some such gobilygook. They'll eat that right up, trust me. Say the children have moved into a heightened state of awareness in which they process all incoming information at the deepest level. By viewing these seemingly cheesy Nick Jr. episodes they are subconsciously leaning concepts like irony, context, metaphor, sarcasm, and understatement. Importantly they're also gaining a subconscious appreciation for computer animation -- and indeed technology in general.
And basically that's it. Congratulations! You've just entered Productivityville -- Population: 1.
Dan, GREAT post. I'm tired of pretending - to others and myself - that my kids don't watch that much TV. No more shame! Especially since you've come up with such a wonderful explanation of "being in a state of oneness and heightened state of awareness to process all incoming information at the deepest level!!!" Quotable.
ReplyDeleteMy dad had 3 girls. You'll be a better man having 4 of them. Veronica Modarelli