Monetize This

It seems like nowadays everyone's talking about monetizing -- especially as it has to do with websites and the internet. I love the idea. After all, telling my wife that I've come up with a "Rapid Monetization Strategy" comes off much better than telling her I've got a "Get Rich Quick Scheme".

In fact, I'm working on developing ways to monetize other things in my life, like my temper, or my athlete's foot. I'm making progress too. I had to give up though on one great idea I had for monetizing my young daughters because it just seemed a little unethical -- I know it would have been illegal anyway. Oh well, coming up with winning ideas like these is just a number's game of course. Wish me luck!

(Dan) / 0 = stupid

I don't mean to brag but I'm my own man, a "maverick" if you will. I go my own way in this world and definitely don't play by other people's rules. Nobody tells me what to do. For example, they told us in school that you can't divide by zero. I divide by zero all the time -- sometimes just for the fun of it.

"Don't carry a loaf of bread like a football," I was told by a coach when I was a kid. Well, let's put it this way: In your mind's eye, picture the Heisman Trophy. Now put my head on this little statue and then simply switch out the football with a french loaf. That's me like every weekend. The only negative as far as I can tell is just a little armpit sweat on the crust, and I cover that up with garlic anyway.

Gay bashing

When I was watching PGA player Brian Gay win the Verizon Heritage last week I was thinking that I bet in high school he took a lot of teasing for his name. You know how mean and sardonic high school kids can be.

I'm sure he must have had to endure idiotic comments like these (for example) on a daily basis:

• "Hey, look, it's Mr. Shiny Happy."
• "Yo, Pollyanna-boy -- how's it going today? Oh, wait, never mind. Just GREAT I'm sure."
• "Say, Brian, can I borrow your 'rose colored glasses'? I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to."

Patent Pending

We all know of course that the curved shower rod is one of the top innovations humanity has seen in the last 10 years. Now I'm a very creative guy myself and I don't want to come off as being derivative but I have a great idea. I'm going to bring the same "crescent" technology to what I'm going to call the "Bowed Out Rake".

Yes, it looks exactly as you think it might and here's one of the numerous applications: Picture this. It's in the fall and you're raking leaves in the front yard. On the grass, your dog is lazily dozing in the sun. On the other side of your dog are leaves you need to get. You don't feel like walking all the way around the dog, so using the Bowed Out Rake you gently move the leaves in a counter clockwise fashion around old Spot and there you have it. Job's done and he's still kick'n it in Snoozeville.

Hot Rock'n

I admit that I'm not a full-blown geologist but I do have a distinct memory of nailing down this subject in 8th grade Earth Science class: Earthquakes are a direct result of the super hot rocks coming into direct contact with very cold rocks in the earth's crust. If someone else out there thinks they have better info on that I'm certainly prepared to hear you out.

new restaurant

We had dinner at new restaurant in town last weekend and while the food was great, we thought the whole atmosphere was pretentious, so we'd decided not to go back. Anyway, to make a long story short, turns out the place is actually just hoity-toity, and we can live with that. We have reservations for brunch this Sunday.

something-something-something-lishmentarianism

I'm currently helping my oldest daughter do a paper for school and we are having a hard time coming up with a concise way of describing the following -- which we believe to be a noun: "Opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church, esp. the Anglican Church in 19th-century England."

We've decided to coin an entirely new word to describe the concept and we're thinking of going with "xivqot" primarily because as of today GoDaddy tells me that XIVQOT.COM is still available!

A Boy Named Sue

I'm a Johnny Cash's, "A Boy Named Sue" kinda guy. Not that my name is Susan of course but as a parent I do believe in planting a seed of shame in each and every one of my four daughters, tearing down their self-esteem to toughen them up by using humiliating language.

BTW, I'm just kidding of course -- except for the fact that I really am a dude who's friends sometimes call him: Sue, Suzy or Suzanna. And so what? Don't judge me. I just like to feel pretty sometimes.

like C. Barkley, D. Green is a dumbass

I've noticed that some very STUPID, ignorant people seem to have such difficulty understanding the difference between a vegan and a veterinarian. I admit it is somewhat tricky because they're both probably animal lovers -- but let's try to get it together people!

Ban the bag

I hate wasted resources. This makes no sense to me: during an emergency landing when the oxygen mask drops down, my understanding is now that although oxygen will be flowing to the mask the bag will not inflate. Not "may not." It's now: "will not." So the obvious question is why the heck do we need a bag there if it's not even going to inflate? What a waste. I blame the media.

leave Dorothy alone

The fact that I've recently come to the conclusion that the Tin Man is gay doesn't bother me at all. I'm pro gay rights. It's just that I'm preemptively resenting the hell out of all the numskulls who inevitably are going to start calling Dorothy a "fag hag".

Does not follow

I really don't like non sequiturs because I think they're a cheap way to try to get a reaction. Furthermore, I happen to know for an absolute fact that Angus Young ate tons and tons of Smarties as a kid. 'Nuf said.

Panic Room

We wanted to put in a Panic Room in but it was too expensive -- so I opted for the alternative: a Bliss Room. No, it's not where I go to meditate. It's basically just a small closet where I keep a lot of "back-up" beer and tequila.

Burned by Barack

I knew it would happen. I got burned by Barack Obama.

My newspaper was wet from the sprinklers this morning and I got the wonderfully creative idea to put it in the microwave to dry. After a minute, I pulled the paper out and burned my thumb which was directly on a front page photo of our good president.

Here's the thing though -- I really don't think it was his fault. In fact, I've decided to take FULL responsibility on this one and just blame myself.

Lost in (French) Translation

I grew up in Alexandria, MN. I heard that one summer some atheist resorter fellow came to town and drowned in Lake Le Homme Dieu.

Turns out it wasn't the Universe making any sort of statement at all. It was just that: dude went fishing in a boat; dude accidently fell into the lake; dude didn't know how to swim.

Oxy-[Dad's-a]-moron

I told my daughter today that because of the bad economy, we need to be more prolific in our economizing. She gave me a dirty look -- and I felt so ashamed.