Prayers of supplication

Hey friend, let me break the news to you. God has his own plans, and let me assure you that they are quite independent of anything you may have in mind or may be petitioning him for. Got it? There is a zero correlation coefficient between your prayer of supplication and what actually will happen.

But there's a psychological benefit you say? Well, I suppose you're right—and the nice thing is that it works equally as well regardless of what god or thing you pray to. For example, you know that cute little gargoyle you've got perched up on the shelf in your office? Yep, give it a shot.

Facebook says: It's been a while since you updated your profile picture.

So I keep getting these prompts from Facebook saying: "It's been a while since you updated your profile picture." Hey, you think I don't know that Facebook?? You see, I've got this little thing going where I keep getting older and uglier. Trust me, I'm trying to turn it around, so get off my back!

How to piss-off a (white) Trump fan

Step 1) Find out if they are a college graduate or not.

Step 2) If they are not, tell them that white non-college educated people tend to just love Trump! (It's factually true, but they will see it as a big slight.) If they are college educated, tell them that racists tend to just love Trump! (Again, factually true, but it will make their blood pressure spike.)

Religion and the rational fetus

Many years ago, had you been a rational fetus getting ready to come into this world, you would have prepared yourself for the fact that your parents likely had a view on religion/spirituality that they would try to pass on to you. At the time, you didn't know if they were Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheist, Mormon or any of about a zillion other things.

So what should you have done? Well, you should have prepared yourself for the fact they were quite possibly wrong. After being born and learning how to talk you should have placated them by appearing to go along with their views, all the time knowing you had a lot of research to do on your own. But you didn't do that, did you? Well, it's not too late.

Spot's Stockholm Syndrome

My daughter is so stupid. So we're walking the dogs the other day and she tells me that she thinks dogs suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because we basically rip them from their families and hold them captives in our homes, but then they're real nice to us anyway. Of course I said, "Oh, hey, that's a good point honey," all the while trying to hide my disgust and disappointment.

Why @realDonaldTrump really IS very much like Barney Fife

If you've seen the show enough times you will know that Barney really thinks he's a paragon of virtue, acts as if he knows everything about everything, and prides himself in being a real straight-talker—and the hallmark of his character is that he is comically impetuous and emotionally overreacts to every little thing.

The Muslim ban will work

I, for one, think the Muslim ban is a good idea and will work. Think about it. You're a Muslim living in a Muslim part of the world. You hear that that U.S. is banning Muslims. They don't want your kind in their country. You're bound to get depressed. Eventually you're just gonna think, "Well, I can see the writing on the wall, might as well just convert to Christianity now and get it over with. 😞