Ban the bag

I hate wasted resources. This makes no sense to me: during an emergency landing when the oxygen mask drops down, my understanding is now that although oxygen will be flowing to the mask the bag will not inflate. Not "may not." It's now: "will not." So the obvious question is why the heck do we need a bag there if it's not even going to inflate? What a waste. I blame the media.

leave Dorothy alone

The fact that I've recently come to the conclusion that the Tin Man is gay doesn't bother me at all. I'm pro gay rights. It's just that I'm preemptively resenting the hell out of all the numskulls who inevitably are going to start calling Dorothy a "fag hag".

Does not follow

I really don't like non sequiturs because I think they're a cheap way to try to get a reaction. Furthermore, I happen to know for an absolute fact that Angus Young ate tons and tons of Smarties as a kid. 'Nuf said.

Panic Room

We wanted to put in a Panic Room in but it was too expensive -- so I opted for the alternative: a Bliss Room. No, it's not where I go to meditate. It's basically just a small closet where I keep a lot of "back-up" beer and tequila.

Burned by Barack

I knew it would happen. I got burned by Barack Obama.

My newspaper was wet from the sprinklers this morning and I got the wonderfully creative idea to put it in the microwave to dry. After a minute, I pulled the paper out and burned my thumb which was directly on a front page photo of our good president.

Here's the thing though -- I really don't think it was his fault. In fact, I've decided to take FULL responsibility on this one and just blame myself.

Lost in (French) Translation

I grew up in Alexandria, MN. I heard that one summer some atheist resorter fellow came to town and drowned in Lake Le Homme Dieu.

Turns out it wasn't the Universe making any sort of statement at all. It was just that: dude went fishing in a boat; dude accidently fell into the lake; dude didn't know how to swim.

Oxy-[Dad's-a]-moron

I told my daughter today that because of the bad economy, we need to be more prolific in our economizing. She gave me a dirty look -- and I felt so ashamed.