Day 1: Did you see the Palm Pre Lady on TV? I really like her.
Day 2: I think I might have an unhealthy obsession with the Palm Pre Lady.
Day 3: I know this might sound weird but I think the Palm Pre Lady is talking to me specifically in those ads.
Day 4: I'm in love with the Palm Pre Lady and she's in love with me too -- and we don't care what people think.
Day 5: Palm Pre Lady, why did you dis me in the new ad last night? I will not be ignored!!
Day 6: Palm Pre Lady, my doctor says it's not really your fault, what I think you're doing to me.
Day 7: This new medicine is really making me sleepy.
Day 8: Palm Pre Lady, do you have a sister?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Definition of Insanity
Many people have done the same thing, over and over, and ultimately achieved a different, way, way, cooler result.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Prejudice pharmacy
I think it's outrageous that there are pharmacies that brag about being "homeopathic." Gay folks need to get their prescriptions filled too for crying out loud!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Physics lesson from Professor Dumbbell
(My guest blogger today is Professor Dumbbell from the local community college. --Dan)
It is of course a well known fact within the scientific community that if you were to sneeze, cough, pass gas, burp and hiccup at precisely the same time it would instantly cause a catastrophic event -- namely the explosion of your body. Well, technically you'd implode actually. But that's not even the worst of it. More on that later.
It is also true though that there are no documented cases of this ever happening despite the clear (and really undisputed) physical scientific theory behind it. Most scientists believe this is simply because it's really, really unlikely from a statistical perspective to have all of these natural bodily functions manifest themselves at exactly the same instant.
Now you might have read, and it's true, that scientists at CERN on the French/Swedish border are attempting to simulate this very event using a massive supercollider 300 feet below the surface of the earth. The much celebrated controversy that has arisen from the reckless actions of these show-off, French/Swede eggheads is based in the fact that most credible physicists believe that a successful artificial recreation of this bizarre multiple coincidence of human bodily actions/reactions quite likely will create a very real, miniature "black hole."
"So what," you say? Well, the cold harsh reality is that most in the mainstream scientific community agree that even a microscopic black hole resulting from such an event, whether emanating from you, your Uncle Frank, or the supercollider at CERN, would have the gravitational pull to devour the earth, solar system and indeed the entire galaxy in milliseconds. That's right. Scary huh?
I hope I didn't freak you all out with this info because, again, there's really not a very good chance of this happening. It's always a good idea to prepare, but try not to worry about it too much, OK?
It is of course a well known fact within the scientific community that if you were to sneeze, cough, pass gas, burp and hiccup at precisely the same time it would instantly cause a catastrophic event -- namely the explosion of your body. Well, technically you'd implode actually. But that's not even the worst of it. More on that later.
It is also true though that there are no documented cases of this ever happening despite the clear (and really undisputed) physical scientific theory behind it. Most scientists believe this is simply because it's really, really unlikely from a statistical perspective to have all of these natural bodily functions manifest themselves at exactly the same instant.
Now you might have read, and it's true, that scientists at CERN on the French/Swedish border are attempting to simulate this very event using a massive supercollider 300 feet below the surface of the earth. The much celebrated controversy that has arisen from the reckless actions of these show-off, French/Swede eggheads is based in the fact that most credible physicists believe that a successful artificial recreation of this bizarre multiple coincidence of human bodily actions/reactions quite likely will create a very real, miniature "black hole."
"So what," you say? Well, the cold harsh reality is that most in the mainstream scientific community agree that even a microscopic black hole resulting from such an event, whether emanating from you, your Uncle Frank, or the supercollider at CERN, would have the gravitational pull to devour the earth, solar system and indeed the entire galaxy in milliseconds. That's right. Scary huh?
I hope I didn't freak you all out with this info because, again, there's really not a very good chance of this happening. It's always a good idea to prepare, but try not to worry about it too much, OK?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
SportsCenter
I used to watch ESPN a lot but I've scaled back. I have to say that I find that network to be quite disingenuous at times.
For example, have you ever noticed that the highlights they show on SportsCenter are almost always taken out of context?
For example, have you ever noticed that the highlights they show on SportsCenter are almost always taken out of context?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Glory Days
I played football in college, small college football, but I certainly have fond memories of it. I was pretty good too -- 2nd team all conference my senior year.
Now I used to like to talk about those "Glory Days" as Bruce Springsteen called them, but a problem developed. You see, a number of years after getting married, I did what a lot of dudes do. I got fat. Still am.
Why is that a problem as it pertains to talking about my Glory Days you ask? Well, I played wide receiver -- and when I used to tell people about that, they'd look perplexed (as you know, wide receivers are thin). Then I'd have to humiliatingly tell them that yes, I gained significant weight since college.
But hey, then I found a quick fix to my problem! I would just tell folks that I played tight end. (A little bulkier position right?) And that worked for a few years, but the numbers on the scale kept going up.
At some point I was reduced to telling people that I played nose guard, but now I just say that I played defensive line. The whole defensive line.
Now I used to like to talk about those "Glory Days" as Bruce Springsteen called them, but a problem developed. You see, a number of years after getting married, I did what a lot of dudes do. I got fat. Still am.
Why is that a problem as it pertains to talking about my Glory Days you ask? Well, I played wide receiver -- and when I used to tell people about that, they'd look perplexed (as you know, wide receivers are thin). Then I'd have to humiliatingly tell them that yes, I gained significant weight since college.
But hey, then I found a quick fix to my problem! I would just tell folks that I played tight end. (A little bulkier position right?) And that worked for a few years, but the numbers on the scale kept going up.
At some point I was reduced to telling people that I played nose guard, but now I just say that I played defensive line. The whole defensive line.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
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