Dystopian Present

I've had the realization recently that I'll likely have grandchildren who will be alive in the year 2112. Boy, I sure the hell hope that they're more impressed with the modern state of technology and society that year than I was back when I was living though 1984.

I see dead people.

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!! Oh, by the way, and this may or may not necessarily be germane to the particular discussion we're having here today, but I'm a mortician by trade.

Magic Lawn Mower Ride

If you were to reverse the direction the blade spins on your lawn mower do you think it would lengthen your grass? Well, the answer, counterintuitively enough, is no.

I tried it and it simply turns the mower into a very loud hovercraft. I put my dog Moxie on it and pushed her out onto the lake. I'm pretty sure she liked it. Man, she must of thought she was on some sort of flume ride from hell!

The secret of success.

Aristotle Onassis apparently said, "The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows."

Boy, it is so true -- and precisely the reason why I am so incredibly rich and successful as compared to most of you folks.

For example, check this out. Do you know the exact contents of my bellybutton right now? Please, you do not, yet I do. Guess what? I recently put a half-chewed Skittle in there, and you had absolutely no clue. Ka-ching!! There's another million in the bank for me!

My anonymous donation to charity.

My friends, I must now confess something to you all that's very important. Someday, when I'm really wealthy, I'm going to donate one billion dollars anonymously to charity. That's right bro, that's a 'B' as in BILLION.

Of course, it's highly unlikely that I'll ever even have a billion dollars let alone be giving it away, but I just wanted to preemptively make the announcement here today so I can get full credit for being the great philanthropist that I am.

Atheists Exposed

Oh my god, I am Ben-freaking-Franklin because I've just made an amazing discovery. (Or maybe I just had an epiphany.)

Look, we've all seen how most atheists have a noticeably condescending tone and mean-spiritedness in their rhetoric, right?

Well here it is folks. Meditate on this one: In the same way that most gay-bashers have homosexual tenancies themselves (that they just haven't come to terms with), most atheists are really theists with conflicting underlying beliefs of which they are not aware.

You hear that atheist dudes and dudettes? You're kindred spirits with the gay-bashing rednecks of the world. Your parents must be so very proud.

If I had just one wish.

If I had just one wish, and I mean just one wish, it would be that all the world's psychopaths who were planning murder/suicide rampages would become dyslexic and do their work in the reverse order.