Bill Bixby and Yahweh

Question: What does Dr. David Banner as played by Bill Bixby on the TV show The Incredible Hulk have in common with the God of the Old Testament?

Answer: They both have the same catch-phrase: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

DINK Facebook Posts

I've noticed a phenomenon on Facebook that I don't think has a name yet, so I'll just call it: "DINK Facebook Posts." You may recall the acronym DINK stands for "dual income no kids," and boy, do these folks know how to live!  So go ahead and check out some DINK Facebook Posts and fully appreciate just how mundane and dragged-down your life really is. #parenting

Twin image

Do you have a friend who has a wife or daughter who's slightly overweight? Great! He's a funny joke you can play on him.

When you're out in public somewhere, say a bank or supermarket, send your friend a text that says; "OMG, there is a woman/girl here who could be your wife's/daughter's twin." Quickly follow up with another text saying: "Hey, I'll see if I can surreptitiously take a picture of her!" Final text: "Here you go bro. Spooky huh?" (You attach a pic of a very overweight female the same approximate age, with the same approximate hair color and length as the dude's wife/daughter.) He won't stop laughing!

Dyslexia Frustratia

It seems like you hear about a lot of people who say they have dyslexia. And I'm sure many people really do. But let's face it, and I'm sure you've thought the same thing, some of those folks who say they are dyslexic are not. They are just dumbasses trying to make an excuse for the fact that they can't write or spell, which just drags down the real dyslexic dudes who, when trying to explain their handicap have to be thinking, "I know this person doesn't believe me -- he just thinks I'm a dumbass who lies to try to explain his dumbassness. Fuck! This sucks!"

A Mormon, Noah's Ark and the "age of reason"

I was talking to a Mormon young man I happen to know the other day and I asked him about Noah's Ark. I was telling him I thought it was weird that God would get so angry at all of humanity that he would drown them all -- a very painful and horrifying death, especially for little kids.

He pointed out that while everyone was wicked in those days, the little kids who drowned didn't go to hell; a child has to reach the age of reason before they would able to tell right from wrong -- and that age was eight.

After reflecting on it a bit I was able to come back the next day and tell him a related joke I dreamed up:

Imagine there was a young kid -- a seven year-old -- back in the time of Noah right before the big flood. His birthday was coming up and he was, as you'd expect, super excited. Finally the big day arrives, his eighth birthday, and he looks out the window and sees that it's starting to rain (very hard).  The kids says, "Ah, crap! Just my luck! Raining on my birthday." Meanwhile, watching the whole thing up in heaven God chuckles and says, "Kid, you have no idea just how unlucky you really are. I was planning on doing this flood thing last week -- but I got busy."

I AM like God.

I've realized that I really am made in God's image -- in a lot of ways. For example, there are a number of really rotten things/circumstances in my life that I frankly could eliminate if I wanted to, but I usually let 'em fester, just for kicks. (Plus, it allows me to really enjoy that end-of the-day cocktail.)

Turning left on a red arrow.

When turning left at an intersection, how do you handle the green arrow -- turning yellow and then red? When you catch it at the very end, do you force yourself into the intersection as the arrow turns red?

If you answered 'yes' above, that you do in fact tend to run the light (because you don't want to wait through a whole other cycle), ask yourself how you feel when the shoe's on the other foot -- when you're on the other side of the street (going straight) waiting for a green light. You're waiting on the left turners from the opposite side (moving to your right), and then here comes the inevitable straggler, running the damn red arrow -- impeding YOU now.

Well, what's your reaction? Do you have empathy for that driver, knowing that you yourself have been in that situation, in fact many times in your life? Never mind, I already know your answer. You get pissed at the other driver. You know you do.  And that's because you are a self-righteous, self-centered, egocentric, hypocritical bastard.  And I, quite frankly, don't want anything to do you with.