Animal cruelty

Oh, those poor orcas, all cooped up at SeaWorld with their own personal veterinarians. Do you know what these animals are like out there in the ocean? Do you know what they do? They are the sociopaths of the marine world. They literally play with their food -- they torture and then eat alive seals and sea lions. But it's all perfectly natural you say? Oh yeah? Tell it to these sea lions. Yep, solitary confinement is where all those damn orcas belong.

Water down the drain

If you're anything like me, you just hate wasting water. For example, it just drives me crazy that people let the water run when they're brushing their teeth. And how about those assholes who water their lawns like maniacs and half the water runs into the street? And how about when it rains? OMG that's the worst. Hundreds of thousands, hell, millions of gallons falling on concrete and running down drains everywhere. Makes me want to vomit.

(Bad) Dream School

"Oh, my god, I can't believe it! I just found out that I got into my dream school: Brown! I'm sure I got in by the skin of my teeth but who cares?! I made it!!!"

"That's great. I'm sure that will work out well for you. It sounds then like you're going to be the dumbest fuck on campus. That will do wonders for your confidence as you prepare for the real world."

#Gladwell

Twitter dad

So I'm driving my 10th grader to school this week and I said to her something like, "So I've got this new guy on Twitter I think I'm going to start online bullying." And then she shoots me a dirty look and goes:"Oh my god dad. That's terrible." And then I'm like: "What? That's a big part of what Twitter is for -- you go on there and try to take some of your frustrations in life out on people. Besides, they deserve it." Then the rest of the ride she was acting like I'm some sort of defective person.

Facebook post to use the day after your birthday

Thank you to all my friends who wished me happy birthday here on Facebook yesterday. And more importantly, to all of you who didn't give me birthday wishes on my timeline I just want you to know that I know of course that Facebook gives you a notification of who is having birthdays each day. That means that you saw that I was having mine and specifically went out of your way to ignore it. You couldn't be bothered to take three seconds out of your day to write even as much as: "Happy b-day Dan." Thanks for the information though. Now I know what kind of a person you really are. Frankly, at this point, I wish our paths would have never crossed.

Oh, to be seen at a Black Lives Matter event!

Let's be honest. It's just so incredibly hip to be a non-black person attending a Black Lives Matter event. My advice, go early and often -- and you simply have to take a ton of pictures so you can share with your friends. And then, armed with anecdotes from your outing, you just know you are going to be the bee's knees at your next cocktail party up in Marin. And, if somehow you can actually get arrested for some sort of act of civil disobedience? Please! You'll be a legend!

I am a white man

I am a white man, and trust me, I know what that means. I had all the advantages. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. The only reason I've ever struggled financially in my whole life is because I'm a lazy, dumb piece-of-shit. I get it. Believe me, I get it. And by the way, I have absolutely no business commenting on race-related matters anywhere, at any time, including here. So let's face it, by now you can surely tell that because I did in fact write these thoughts down in a blog post it clearly confirms the reality that I am a big, piece-of-shit racist. Don't worry though, I am disgusted with myself. #pieceofshit