Spot's Stockholm Syndrome

My daughter is so stupid. So we're walking the dogs the other day and she tells me that she thinks dogs suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because we basically rip them from their families and hold them captives in our homes, but then they're real nice to us anyway. Of course I said, "Oh, hey, that's a good point honey," all the while trying to hide my disgust and disappointment.

Why @realDonaldTrump really IS very much like Barney Fife

If you've seen the show enough times you will know that Barney really thinks he's a paragon of virtue, acts as if he knows everything about everything, and prides himself in being a real straight-talker—and the hallmark of his character is that he is comically impetuous and emotionally overreacts to every little thing.

The Muslim ban will work

I, for one, think the Muslim ban is a good idea and will work. Think about it. You're a Muslim living in a Muslim part of the world. You hear that that U.S. is banning Muslims. They don't want your kind in their country. You're bound to get depressed. Eventually you're just gonna think, "Well, I can see the writing on the wall, might as well just convert to Christianity now and get it over with. 😞

The real Santa

As as adult, living in the real world, I've come to believe that if there really were a Santa Claus, if the man actually existed, in his daily life I'm absolutely certain he would be exactly like the Santa depicted in Rudolph. 😞

Nobel Prize in Imbecility

So I was wasting time arguing with a run-of-the-mill redneck Trump supporter on twitter a few days ago and I mentioned my position was supported by a number of Nobel Prize-winning economists and he actually said: "So what, Bob Dylan won one and do you think he knows anything about economics?"

Brilliant tweets

So here's me on Twitter — tell me if you do the same thing. So I do one of my stupid little tweets, which at the time I think is so brilliant/funny/discerning, right? Then I check back in an hour or so and someone has "liked" it! So what thought goes through my brain immediately? "Boy, I bet this person is really smart. Let's see if I can find their bio. I bet they have a degree from Harvard or something."

Dirty Deeds, Thunder Chief

So I was in the grocery store the other day and Springsteen's 10th Avenue Freeze-Out is playing in the background, and the check-out clerk says to me, "You know, I used to think he was saying: Tell the devil to freeze out." Then I said, "That's funny. When I was in high school some guys thought it was: Dirty Deeds, Thunder Chief!" Then the bagger guy (he was about 20) says, "Wait a second, are you saying it's NOT Thunder Chief???"