Ask your kids to do chores?

I have a hard time telling (or even asking) my kids to do chores. In fact, I can't even do it. It ain't cool, I know. And I'm not bragging about it, believe me. In my mind the conversation would go something like this:

Me: Annie, will you please go outside and rake the leaves?

Kid: Hey, asshole, let me ask you a question: Did I ask you to bring me into this fucked up world? No, I didn't. Not even close. But now that I'm here you want to turn me into some sort of fucking child slave to do your bidding? That's how you roll, huh? Jesus, you disgust me.

The changing personalities of my dogs on a walk

So every day, at the start of the walk, the dogs are amped wolves. They're like: "OK, let's go Dan! I want to get out there and find something! Find something to fight. Find something to eat. Maybe kill something, have sex with something. Hell, I'll have sex with it, kill it, and then eat it! Let's go!!"

And then, near the end of the walk: "Please Dan, can we just go home already? I'm hot -- it must be like, 73 degrees out here. I gotta have water! I just want to go home -- and by the way, and I ain't gonna lie to you Dan, I've seen some things out here that have scared me today. 😞" 

Weenies who can't drink light beer

Are you one of these guys? You announce to the room something like, "I can't drink Coors Light (or Bud Light, Miller Lite or whatever.) It's piss water to me." Then you'll go on to brag about how you insist on drinking some microbrew that is dark and thick and full-bodied and full of flavor!

Wow, what a manly man you must be -- you can't even stand to drink a cold, carbonated beverage with just a little bit of alcohol and some very understated malt and hops flavor. Bad on your tummy, huh? Your poor little body rejects it? Well, a little advice then, and I don't care how much of a party mood you're in, you better not try Perrier, unless you want to spend all night kneeling before the porcelain throne! Pussy.

Prayers of supplication

Hey friend, let me break the news to you. God has his own plans, and let me assure you that they are quite independent of anything you may have in mind or may be petitioning him for. Got it? There is a zero correlation coefficient between your prayer of supplication and what actually will happen.

But there's a psychological benefit you say? Well, I suppose you're right—and the nice thing is that it works equally as well regardless of what god or thing you pray to. For example, you know that cute little gargoyle you've got perched up on the shelf in your office? Yep, give it a shot.

Facebook says: It's been a while since you updated your profile picture.

So I keep getting these prompts from Facebook saying: "It's been a while since you updated your profile picture." Hey, you think I don't know that Facebook?? You see, I've got this little thing going where I keep getting older and uglier. Trust me, I'm trying to turn it around, so get off my back!

How to piss-off a (white) Trump fan

Step 1) Find out if they are a college graduate or not.

Step 2) If they are not, tell them that white non-college educated people tend to just love Trump! (It's factually true, but they will see it as a big slight.) If they are college educated, tell them that racists tend to just love Trump! (Again, factually true, but it will make their blood pressure spike.)

Religion and the rational fetus

Many years ago, had you been a rational fetus getting ready to come into this world, you would have prepared yourself for the fact that your parents likely had a view on religion/spirituality that they would try to pass on to you. At the time, you didn't know if they were Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheist, Mormon or any of about a zillion other things.

So what should you have done? Well, you should have prepared yourself for the fact they were quite possibly wrong. After being born and learning how to talk you should have placated them by appearing to go along with their views, all the time knowing you had a lot of research to do on your own. But you didn't do that, did you? Well, it's not too late.