Onan

One of my favorite bible stories is the one of Onan. Dude was having sex and then pulls out which pissed God off so much He murdered him (Onan) on the spot! That was back in the days when God still gave a shit -- when he was actively in there every day using his magic to try to bring a little justice to the world. 😉 Nowadays he just kinda sits back and watches little kids die of disease and starvation in third-world countries. C'mon man! Step your game up! It wasn't enough just to install Trump for one term. You got to do more, bro!

God hand-picked Trump

To all those people, like Ted Nugent for example, who thought  God hand-picked Trump and put him in there via divine intervention: What happened? Do you think He changed His mind? Well, it's certainly possible. Like the time He put out the New Testament. God was like: "Look, I know in my previous publication I know I went on about how much I hate gay people and such. And I know that wasn't cool. I get it now. Hey, it's a work in progress folks. I think you'll like this new one a lot better."

What happens when you swear in hell?

What happens when you swear in hell? And I'm not talking about saying: shit, fuck, cunt, or whatever. I'm talking about taking the Lord's name in vain. You know, like if you say something like, "Jesus fucking Christ it's hot in here!" Or, "Goddamn it! Will you get your dirty, filthy demon paws off of me? My God, I am just so sick of getting sodomized! Christ Almighty, you guys are relentless!"

I think there's got to be at least two possibilities: 1) You get bonus points from Satan because he obviously hates God and loves to see His good name dragged through the mud. Or 2) You are forced to endure additional punishment because God, after all, is still omniscient and omnipotent -- so He's obviously going to find out get some additional revenge.

If there are any above-average Christian theologians who happen across my blog here, can you help me out?

Trump. Anger. Jesus. Money changers.

A lot of Americans are angry with Trump -- kinda like when Jesus got angry with the money changers at the temple. But I'm sure Jesus would be totally mellow if he were to show up at the White House today. He'd sit down with Trump, have brunch, and say something like: "Bro, I think you're doing a really good job. Finish that wall! Look, I know you don't really believe in me, and that you say you never ask for forgiveness because you don't need to. But hey, I'm totally cool with that. Nice job with the supreme court nominations too my brother! I'm glad you didn't let that whore Christine Blasey Ford hold you back. Listen, I'm not one for casting the first stone, but I would have crushed her fucking head with a boulder. By the way, is there a good ammo store around here? I want to hit the range!"

Catholic, pro-Trump, pro-life

Hey, good news! Are you pro-life? And Catholic? And a Trump fan? (Well, never mind the last question. You obviously are a Trump fan if you answered yes to the first two questions.)

Anyway, back to my good news: if you are a pro-life, Catholic Trump fan apparently there's no need to go to confession anymore. From reading social media from pro-life MAGA people I found out that that is the one key issue that determines whether you are moral or not. Everything else is just trivia. You can let it all hang out bro!

Just do this one thing: email your priest every six months and reassure him that you're still pro-life. And be sure to cc: Jesus. Well, actually never mind on that point. I think He automatically receives courtesy copies on everything.

It's Ash Wednesday and I have ashes on my head

I couldn't make it to mass today but I did put a bunch of ashes on my head so that people who see me will think I'm a good, holy person. I think I put too much up there though. Plus, isn't it supposed to look like a cross? 😟  I mean, right now as I type this I was just looking in the mirror and I have a bunch of it basically just falling off the top of my head. The only good part is that it's definitely making my hairline look a lot better.

TDS: Trump derangement syndrome (in other languages, countries and times)

"Trump derangement syndrome" huh? Yeah, that's pretty clever. But let's face it, there's nothing new under the sun. I'm sure for example just last century around the world folks came up with something similar. I don't know how it would translate into Russian, or German, or Italian or Chinese or whatever -- but I'm sure it went something like this: "Jeez, Charlie. You've really got 'Mr. X' Derangement Syndrome bro! Sure, he's a bit of an asshole, and maybe a little hard-core or what have you, but maybe that's just what our country needs right now. Did you ever think about that? C'mon man!"