Monetize This

It seems like nowadays everyone's talking about monetizing -- especially as it has to do with websites and the internet. I love the idea. After all, telling my wife that I've come up with a "Rapid Monetization Strategy" comes off much better than telling her I've got a "Get Rich Quick Scheme".

In fact, I'm working on developing ways to monetize other things in my life, like my temper, or my athlete's foot. I'm making progress too. I had to give up though on one great idea I had for monetizing my young daughters because it just seemed a little unethical -- I know it would have been illegal anyway. Oh well, coming up with winning ideas like these is just a number's game of course. Wish me luck!

(Dan) / 0 = stupid

I don't mean to brag but I'm my own man, a "maverick" if you will. I go my own way in this world and definitely don't play by other people's rules. Nobody tells me what to do. For example, they told us in school that you can't divide by zero. I divide by zero all the time -- sometimes just for the fun of it.

"Don't carry a loaf of bread like a football," I was told by a coach when I was a kid. Well, let's put it this way: In your mind's eye, picture the Heisman Trophy. Now put my head on this little statue and then simply switch out the football with a french loaf. That's me like every weekend. The only negative as far as I can tell is just a little armpit sweat on the crust, and I cover that up with garlic anyway.

Gay bashing

When I was watching PGA player Brian Gay win the Verizon Heritage last week I was thinking that I bet in high school he took a lot of teasing for his name. You know how mean and sardonic high school kids can be.

I'm sure he must have had to endure idiotic comments like these (for example) on a daily basis:

• "Hey, look, it's Mr. Shiny Happy."
• "Yo, Pollyanna-boy -- how's it going today? Oh, wait, never mind. Just GREAT I'm sure."
• "Say, Brian, can I borrow your 'rose colored glasses'? I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to."

Patent Pending

We all know of course that the curved shower rod is one of the top innovations humanity has seen in the last 10 years. Now I'm a very creative guy myself and I don't want to come off as being derivative but I have a great idea. I'm going to bring the same "crescent" technology to what I'm going to call the "Bowed Out Rake".

Yes, it looks exactly as you think it might and here's one of the numerous applications: Picture this. It's in the fall and you're raking leaves in the front yard. On the grass, your dog is lazily dozing in the sun. On the other side of your dog are leaves you need to get. You don't feel like walking all the way around the dog, so using the Bowed Out Rake you gently move the leaves in a counter clockwise fashion around old Spot and there you have it. Job's done and he's still kick'n it in Snoozeville.

Hot Rock'n

I admit that I'm not a full-blown geologist but I do have a distinct memory of nailing down this subject in 8th grade Earth Science class: Earthquakes are a direct result of the super hot rocks coming into direct contact with very cold rocks in the earth's crust. If someone else out there thinks they have better info on that I'm certainly prepared to hear you out.

new restaurant

We had dinner at new restaurant in town last weekend and while the food was great, we thought the whole atmosphere was pretentious, so we'd decided not to go back. Anyway, to make a long story short, turns out the place is actually just hoity-toity, and we can live with that. We have reservations for brunch this Sunday.

something-something-something-lishmentarianism

I'm currently helping my oldest daughter do a paper for school and we are having a hard time coming up with a concise way of describing the following -- which we believe to be a noun: "Opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church, esp. the Anglican Church in 19th-century England."

We've decided to coin an entirely new word to describe the concept and we're thinking of going with "xivqot" primarily because as of today GoDaddy tells me that XIVQOT.COM is still available!