Chris Farley interviewing God in heaven

"Hey, God, remember the time you created the world and added wildlife and were deciding what you would have them eat? And remember how you thought maybe they could just eat plants? But then you decided to have them terrorize, torture, and eat each other alive? That was awesome!!!

What Noah's Ark tells us about God

Whether or not one believes the Genesis flood narrative in the bible to be 100% historically accurate, or 100% metaphor/parable, or anything in-between, it depicts a God who doesn't take personal responsibility for the disappointing results of his own handiwork, and so, in an act of anger, decides to murder almost all human beings via horrifying drowning, including young children and babies, not to mention all the innocent wildlife. To think that this omnipotent entity/God is capable of such actions is frightening and depressing.

And by the way, I guess we've all accepted this idea that God is omniscient too. Yet the flood narrative makes him look surprised and disgusted with the way his creation turned out. You'd think maybe he should have seen it coming? Or, perhaps he really did know that everything was going to go down the way it did, and his plan all along was to go ahead and drown (almost) every last baby and bunny rabbit?

Psalm 140 vs. Marge and Homer Simpson

 Not so great wisdom from Psalm 140:

9 My enemies are planning trouble for me.

    Lord, make that trouble fall on them.

10 Pour burning coals on their heads.

    Throw them into the fire.

    Throw them into pits they can never escape.

Pretty awesome wisdom from The Simpsons:

Bart: And God bless mom, and dad, and Lisa, and Maggie, and please God - kill sideshow Bob.

[praying at his bed while Marge and Homer secretly watch outside his room]

Marge: Bart, no!

Bart: It's him or me, O Lord.

Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.

Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

Onan

One of my favorite bible stories is the one of Onan. Dude was having sex and then pulls out which pissed God off so much He murdered him (Onan) on the spot! That was back in the days when God still gave a shit -- when he was actively in there every day using his magic to try to bring a little justice to the world. 😉 Nowadays he just kinda sits back and watches little kids die of disease and starvation in third-world countries. C'mon man! Step your game up! It wasn't enough just to install Trump for one term. You got to do more, bro!

God hand-picked Trump

To all those people, like Ted Nugent for example, who thought  God hand-picked Trump and put him in there via divine intervention: What happened? Do you think He changed His mind? Well, it's certainly possible. Like the time He put out the New Testament. God was like: "Look, I know in my previous publication I know I went on about how much I hate gay people and such. And I know that wasn't cool. I get it now. Hey, it's a work in progress folks. I think you'll like this new one a lot better."

What happens when you swear in hell?

What happens when you swear in hell? And I'm not talking about saying: shit, fuck, cunt, or whatever. I'm talking about taking the Lord's name in vain. You know, like if you say something like, "Jesus fucking Christ it's hot in here!" Or, "Goddamn it! Will you get your dirty, filthy demon paws off of me? My God, I am just so sick of getting sodomized! Christ Almighty, you guys are relentless!"

I think there's got to be at least two possibilities: 1) You get bonus points from Satan because he obviously hates God and loves to see His good name dragged through the mud. Or 2) You are forced to endure additional punishment because God, after all, is still omniscient and omnipotent -- so He's obviously going to find out get some additional revenge.

If there are any above-average Christian theologians who happen across my blog here, can you help me out?

Trump. Anger. Jesus. Money changers.

A lot of Americans are angry with Trump -- kinda like when Jesus got angry with the money changers at the temple. But I'm sure Jesus would be totally mellow if he were to show up at the White House today. He'd sit down with Trump, have brunch, and say something like: "Bro, I think you're doing a really good job. Finish that wall! Look, I know you don't really believe in me, and that you say you never ask for forgiveness because you don't need to. But hey, I'm totally cool with that. Nice job with the supreme court nominations too my brother! I'm glad you didn't let that whore Christine Blasey Ford hold you back. Listen, I'm not one for casting the first stone, but I would have crushed her fucking head with a boulder. By the way, is there a good ammo store around here? I want to hit the range!"