Smelling great, for a buck 98.

I've got this great new thing I'm doing: buy knock-off Polo Black cologne at the 99¢ Store, mix it with isopropyl rubbing alcohol (also from the 99¢ Store). Hello inexpensive aftershave!

Cross country coach of the year.

They asked Coach Johnson, who had just been voted cross country coach of the year, what his secret was: "Well, for each practice session in previous years I would tell the team to run through the woods and back as fast as they could. This year I had this great idea. I told them, as fast as they could, to run through the woods and back, and then through the woods again. So I just got a bus, drove to the other side of the woods and picked them up each day. Yep, paid off big-time!"

John Riggins, explained.

Let there be no mistake, John Riggings knew fully well going in that having a vertical bar in the center of his facemask would obscure his vision, and thus make him a less effective player. But he absolutely insisted on having it anyway. Pussy!

Weird, futuristic, unreliable self-advice.

If, when you were 16 had you been given opportunity to get advice directly from your future self: 10, 20 or even 30 years later, would you have listened? I don't think I would have, probably because I think I would have made the assumption that something likely would have "happened" to me in the interim years, twisting my thinking. And you know what? I think that particular presupposition may have indeed been accurate.

My research on gravity defiance.

I've been doing quite a bit of research of late, trying to determine exactly who holds the world's record for being the fattest/shortest person ever to legitimately dunk a basketball. As you can imagine, since "fat" and "short" are relative terms, the data are controversial.

Why I voted.

The primary reason I voted is because it's important to me to try to impose my will on others.

Frank Talk Regarding the Toilet Plunger

The toilet plunger plays an integral role in my life, and probably yours too if you want to be honest about it. You say no? OK, let's put it this way, you pseudo-sophisticated asshole you: what would happen to the circumstances of your life were we to deny you the use of any and all toilet plungers going forward?