A Mormon, Noah's Ark and the "age of reason"

I was talking to a Mormon young man I happen to know the other day and I asked him about Noah's Ark. I was telling him I thought it was weird that God would get so angry at all of humanity that he would drown them all -- a very painful and horrifying death, especially for little kids.

He pointed out that while everyone was wicked in those days, the little kids who drowned didn't go to hell; a child has to reach the age of reason before they would able to tell right from wrong -- and that age was eight.

After reflecting on it a bit I was able to come back the next day and tell him a related joke I dreamed up:

Imagine there was a young kid -- a seven year-old -- back in the time of Noah right before the big flood. His birthday was coming up and he was, as you'd expect, super excited. Finally the big day arrives, his eighth birthday, and he looks out the window and sees that it's starting to rain (very hard).  The kids says, "Ah, crap! Just my luck! Raining on my birthday." Meanwhile, watching the whole thing up in heaven God chuckles and says, "Kid, you have no idea just how unlucky you really are. I was planning on doing this flood thing last week -- but I got busy."

I AM like God.

I've realized that I really am made in God's image -- in a lot of ways. For example, there are a number of really rotten things/circumstances in my life that I frankly could eliminate if I wanted to, but I usually let 'em fester, just for kicks. (Plus, it allows me to really enjoy that end-of the-day cocktail.)

Turning left on a red arrow.

When turning left at an intersection, how do you handle the green arrow -- turning yellow and then red? When you catch it at the very end, do you force yourself into the intersection as the arrow turns red?

If you answered 'yes' above, that you do in fact tend to run the light (because you don't want to wait through a whole other cycle), ask yourself how you feel when the shoe's on the other foot -- when you're on the other side of the street (going straight) waiting for a green light. You're waiting on the left turners from the opposite side (moving to your right), and then here comes the inevitable straggler, running the damn red arrow -- impeding YOU now.

Well, what's your reaction? Do you have empathy for that driver, knowing that you yourself have been in that situation, in fact many times in your life? Never mind, I already know your answer. You get pissed at the other driver. You know you do.  And that's because you are a self-righteous, self-centered, egocentric, hypocritical bastard.  And I, quite frankly, don't want anything to do you with.

The two reasons why I don't vote.

Why don't I vote? Two reasons my friend. Two very important reasons.

1) We all know, whether we took basic statistics and probability classes back in college or not, that your chances of getting in a car crash and dying on your way to the polls is like a hundred times greater than your chances of actually having your one vote affect the election outcome. And that is a risk I am simply not willing to take. I've got a wife and four kids for Christ's sake!

2) And this one's really the crux of it: I've noticed as I've grown and matured that some of my beliefs have tended to change over time. I'm sure the same has happened to you. Surely you can think of a belief that you had, say 10 or 15 years ago, that you no longer have -- something that you thought was true, but you now believe is not. So when it comes to voting I have this fear: What if I were to vote for a candidate who I thought was right and good, and then that person wins by just one vote. And then, what if at some point later on I get new, valid information that causes me to change my view on the person, 180 degrees.  In that case I'd be looking at a situation where I, Dan Green, was personally responsible for voting in a goddamned heel. And I would never be able to live with myself! Not gonna happen!

Phonepluginology

How do you plug your phone in to charge? There's really only two ways, the right way and the wrong way.

Decent, thoughtful people familiarize themselves with their phone and know if the slightly wider part of the phone plug needs to be facing up or down when plugging it in. They inspect the plug each time, turn it over if needed, and insert.

Losers on the other hand, and please don't tell me you're one of them, simply grab the cord, attempt to shove the thing into their phone and only if/when it doesn't go in, they flip it. That's no way to live your life. If this really is you, I can tell you right now that you are never going to amount to anything.

My never-ending football season.

Football season is going to be over soon. It makes me so sad. Luckily I've developed an innovative way to make it last forever:

Step 1) Set DVR to record the game.
Step 2) Get extremely drunk.
Step 3) View game while continuing to drink heavily.
Step 4) Sleep it off.

The magic begins when you wake up because you will have no recollection of what happened. Now you can watch the exact same game again and enjoy it as if you were watching it live. In fact, you can continue to repeat the process with the same game again and again! For example, tonight I'm going to be watching Super Bowl XXXVI -- 2002, New England vs. St. Louis -- for the 1st/16th time! Rams are favored by 14. They're going to kill 'em. Greatest Show on Turf baby!!

Self-aggrandizing‎, self-improving, hunger striking.

When a fat guy goes on a hunger strike I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking: Here's a dude who's opportunistically exploiting the situation to:

1) make himself appear principled/virtuous
2) force himself to finally improve his health