I've got a foolproof method to determine if someone who proclaims to be an atheist really is -- in seven easy steps! Try it.
Step I) Kidnap the person who told you he's an atheist and place him in a previously highly secured room in your home. Make sure the room's equipped with hidden cameras and microphones so that you can keep tabs on him. Also, there should be a speaker system in the room so that you can talk directly to him through that sound system.
Step II) Inform this "atheist" that while you admit to being quite mad, you're willing to feed him his favorite fast food items. Ask him what they are. Let's say for our purposes here it's Big Mac and fries.
Step III) After withholding any and all food for days, deliver the McDonald's food -- nice and hot.
Step IV) Tell the "atheist" that, in keeping with your proclivity for madness, you've decided to kill him. Let him know that the McDonald's food he ate was laced with a highly potent poison that will be killing him in exactly 8 hours. (You don't really need to poison the poor schmuck -- the key here is just to act crazy enough, so that he'll believe you.) It is absolutely key though that he believes he has been poisoned, and that there is absolutely no antidote. Death is imminent.
Step V) Tell him that while the death that occurs as a result of ingesting this particular toxin involves highly painful symptoms prior to death, you're willing to help out by providing him with very strong pain killers, but under one condition: He has to verbally walk you through his entire thought process -- from that moment all the way up to his death. He'll go for it, probably.
Step VI) OK, it's pay dirt time. Even if we didn't take that Thanatology class back in college, we all know, or have heard of the five stages of death and dying: 1] Denial, 2] Anger, 3] Bargaining, 4] Depression, 5] Acceptance. (This is why I also refer to this whole ploy as the "Kubler-Ross Gambit.") As our hostage here verbally emits his stream of consciousness (per your agreement) the hidden mikes pick it all up as he rambles through the five stages. It should go something like this: Stage 1] Denial. "I don't believe it! You didn't poison my food!" Stage 2] Anger. "You A-hole!! You're a crazy SOB!" Stage 3] Bargaining. HERE IS WHERE THE TRUE ATHEIST IS REVEALED OR EXPOSED AS A BELIEVER. In this stage the dying person will attempt to bargain with a supernatural power of some sort and will think or say something like, "God, I know I haven't been to church in a long time -- I guess it's been since I was a kid really, but if you just get me out of this I'll give half my earnings to charity -- forever." A 100% real bonafide atheist will of course skip this step all together and move on to Stage 4] Depression (at which time he'll probably get all quiet).
Step VII) That's it. You're done with the project. You now know whether or not your subject is truly an atheist. You can even let him go now if you'd like. However, I really wouldn't do that if I were you. He's likely to go to the police and you're looking at some pretty serious kidnapping charges.
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