Jolt Shrugs

Who is Hang Jolt?

Hint: S/he was a famous titan of the anagram industry in the early 1950s.

Another hint: S/he was Ayn Rand's high-priced lover.

Post-it® philosophy

Life is just like a Post-it® note, except bigger, and it doesn't have the sticky part on one side. Also, it's usually white. You can write on both though. Well, you can't really literally write on life, but you can write on Post-it® notes -- I do know that much.

Making lemonade.

Look, I don't mean to hold myself out as some sort of self-help guru but folks, I have it figured out. We all know that you make your own luck, so why don't you do yourself a favor and follow my advice. Ready? Here we go!

You of course have heard, and yes it is true, that when life hands you lemons you must make lemonade. In other words, problems are really opportunities in disguise.

So just remember this simple model: The drunker you get, the stupider you act. And the stupider you act, the more problems you cause. The more problems you cause the more opportunities you create. And the more opportunities you create, the more of that sweet ice cold lemonade you get to gulp down.

Caveat: all that alcohol and lemonade are going to have a lot of calories so make sure you do a few sit-ups along the way.

Kindergarten pick-up problems

I swear I have the worst luck. So yesterday at about 1:30pm I'm pulling into the elementary school to pick up my daughter from kindergarten right? Now I'm man enough to admit that I shouldn't have had all that red wine with lunch but we were at an Italian restaurant -- come on.

In any case at 40 mph I know I was probably going too fast though that parking lot but I lost track of my speed because I was sending an important (and urgent) text at the time. Well, suffice it to say that I'm dealing with a very serious legal problem today and there's significant damage to my car. Additionally I've got a family across town here who I really think literally wants to kill me. I mean Jesus Christ, don't they teach kids to look both ways before stepping off that curb anymore???

The Sound of Absence

Orson Welles apparently said: "The enemy of Art is the absence of limitations." Well of course I think that's true but he forgot to state the obvious corollary which is: "The enemy of Garfunkel is the absence of Paul."

Dystopian Present

I've had the realization recently that I'll likely have grandchildren who will be alive in the year 2112. Boy, I sure the hell hope that they're more impressed with the modern state of technology and society that year than I was back when I was living though 1984.

I see dead people.

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!! Oh, by the way, and this may or may not necessarily be germane to the particular discussion we're having here today, but I'm a mortician by trade.